fantastic poem

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life you could save. --Mary Oliver--

i will add to this blog post later or tomorrow. for now we'll leave it at this is how i feel right now.

oh hello

oh hello my fantastic blogging friends. i have dropped off the face of the earth for the past week. it's been busy. i had a great birthday and then a lovely christmas. dad is home and doing quite well. there have been a number of sad and disturbing things happening today in my world and so i'm feeling a need to just remind myself of my belief in the world and humanity and god. a good friend and her family are going through some very bizzare and difficult and sad times. from our book of common worship...
god of life, there are days when the burdens we carry are heavy on our shoulders and weigh us down, when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies gray and threatening, when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage.
flood the path with light, turn our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to your honor and glory. amen.

merry birthday to me and happy chirstmas to you :O)

I got a forward in my email yesterday. It was said to be written by Ben Stein, a kind of essay on religion and its place in our society. I liked a lot of what it said, didn’t like a lot of other things. So will all respect to the great Ben Stein (if he did indeed write it) I’m going to go ahead and pick it apart and share what I thought the highlights were. But first I’ll talk about my problems. It was a little too close to a vengeful god kind of email for me. A little too much, you push god away and what do you expect. I believe in a loving and merciful god. I also believe that things in this world are happening for reasons that some of us won’t live to see. The purpose behind the action isn’t revealed to us immediately, that’s why you have to have faith. Otherwise you’re just living in a world with chaos. I can’t tell you why there was hurricane Katrina, but I can tell you it wasn’t to punish the poor people of New Orleans or any other town it destroyed. I can’t tell you why people are dying in the Iraq war, but I can tell you that every single death is teaching us something. And isn’t that ultimately what it’s all about? You leave but your legacy lives on, teaching those of us who remain something about how to live this life. In the email it says “It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year…I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?... Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.”
These are the parts of the email that I like. The reminders that it’s ok to have religion, it’s ok to believe in god, however you see him/her. That the common thread of having a religion, any religion you like, is something that tied our ancestors together. I went to an adult ed session at my church last weekend where they talked about church sociology and how the number of people in this country(and all over the world) that attend church (or temple or the mosque or any kind of religious gathering weekly) is dramatically going down. And I wonder how much of that is our society- like it says above, it’s ok to worship Nick and Jessica but not god. And I wonder about why this is true, when it became such a bad thing to have a faith. I would be lost without mine. I can easily say that I would not have made it through the past year of my life without my church family. I’m not sure really what I’m saying in this post, but if you stuck with it this far then thanks :O) I hope you have a fantastic December 21. I happen to be turning 27 today, so I know I will have a great day. Lots of love to you, peace r

i'll be home for christmas

i think this will be the last dad related update for a while. he's in the rehab hospital and doing physical and 'emotional' therapy. getting stronger every day and we're planning to pick him up on either the 21st (my birthday) or the 22nd. we're heading up this weekend to go see him and battle through the crappy snowy weather. now that we're in the clear i'm still pretty exhausted. i really, really want a vacation. even just a day or so where i'm not doing anything. sigh. i have a 4 day weekend over new years, so i'm going to try and get things together so those can be my new seminary essay writing days. that would make me very happy. ok. i need to pack for this weekend. hope you all had a great week. oh and i haven't read any more in my book because i've been busy sewing/crocheting. but soon!!
love and hugs
r

you can't do everything

there are many things that i can do;i can sing a little bit, play guitar a little bit, crochet, sew, paint, help build houses, sleep in the same room with anyone, build trails( i think i can still do that:O), bake, tell a joke, laugh out loud. many of these things i even do pretty well. then there are the things i cannot do. i cannot speak russian, or spanish, or italian (or hebrew or vietnamese, despite going to those countries), i cannot keep my room clean, i can't wear a size 2(nor do i ever want to), i can't skateboard or downhill ski. i'm afraid of the dark and i dislike confrontation so much that i don't even like watching it on tv. when it's in fictional shows. but this post is not about any of that. i am a woman who is almost 27 (less than 2 weeks!) and i cannot do a damn thing to fix my car. no, i lied, i know how to check my oil and add more and i know how to add windshield wiper fluid. oh and change the wipers. but other than that, i'm pretty clueless. i have a general idea of how to change a tire, but have never needed to do it myself, i don't know how to change my oil, how to even really explain what is wrong with my car. so saturday night i pulled into the grocery store and discovered that one of my headlights was out. so i did what any self respecting 26 year old would do. i called my mom. and the first thing i said was 'i know i should be able to figure this out. but my headlight is out and i need to know what to do.' you see, i've always operated on the theory that everyone has different gifts. my gift is not auto mechanics. my car runs and it is magic. when it stops running i'm sure that it's because i've offended it somehow and that if i just say a prayer and give it some affirmation it will start working again. and if that doesn't work, i take it to the people who are called in this life to work on the magical hunk of material i call lola. so i spoke to my mother who said that replacing a headlight is tricky business indeed and that i would probably need some help. now, i'm not big on asking for help. i know that sounds kind of at odds with the rest of what i've said, but it's true. so i decide to figure out how to do this myself. my fantastic roommate told me about the all knowing book that's in the auto parts store that helps you find out what kind of light you need. so today, i went to the auto parts store, found the book, then found the lightbulb then took it to my apartment and...changed it all by myself! it's a pretty easy process, but i'm still proud of myself :O) and the magical car is back to running and shining light just like it should. and next time i offend it and a headlight goes out, i'll know just what to do.

i'm an elf

i am my own christmas sweat shop this weekend. i'm crocheting, scrapbooking, sewing and quilting. needless to say i do not have time to read :O) i'm not visiting dad because i have some sort of cold and all germs are banned from his room. i hope you all have a great weekend!

eat, pray, love

so i've heard a lot about the book 'eat pray love' by elizabeth gilbert. all the women in my family LOVE this book. i just haven't read it yet, i'd been interested in the concept, but just hadn't gotten around to it. the premise is that the author goes to italy to explore pleasure, india to explore devotion and bali she explores "a balance between worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence."

tonight i was looking the book up on amazon dot com to see if there were any companion/spin off books that i could get my sister for christmas (there's not) and i started reading the reviews. i had already heard the positive reviews from my family so i was intrigued to see what the cranky peeps had to say. i was shocked to see how angry and judgemental the commenters were being, but that's probably another post for another day. ANYWAY.

so i've read the first country...italy. 4 months of pleasure. the way that she explores pleasure in italy is through food. she stays in rome primarily and takes trips around italy- naples, florence, venice, somewhere in the tuscany area. and finds amazing food anywhere. i'm loving the book, i think partially because right now the prospect of taking 4 months off and going to another country and indulging in such a rich culture sounds like a dream. i also just love the voice of the author. now this is a personal thing, and i think if you don't like her voice, you'd hate the book. her writing style is that of someone who's writing in her journal, or sending you long letters. it's like she's really there telling you these things. so i think it's brilliant, but other people just hate it. i'd be interested to see if anyone else has read it or has opinions. my perception of the commenters on amazon was that they were soooo above this book and she was being selfish and she had everything why was she unhappy in the first place. so i'm just intrigued. i'll probably post a few quotes, right now i'm totally spent and want to go to sleep. been feeling kinda sickly lately and want my full 8 hours of sleep tonight :)

hugs,r

happy december!

it's cold and snowy and windy here. perfect for december :O) november was a trying month, i'm hoping december is a bit easier to handle. they're moving dad into a rehab hospital as soon as room opens up. hopefully in a few weeks he'll be home!

i think i'm going to take a yoga class in the spring, and i really need to get cracking on my seminary applications! i'm thinking i'll apply to rochester, lancaster and richmond. it's a diverse group of schools ranging in size and denomination, but they all seem amazing. so i think i'll get the applications filled out and start asking people to be references and then probably just apply to all 3 and visit in the spring. yay.

happy monday :O)

happy change

dad moved into his own room today! he's out of the icu (after 3 weeks) wahoo! i was just talking in therapy today about how important it seemed to me to have him move into his own space. just moving out of the icu lowers my stress level i think. it makes it more like he's going to be ok. i was talking in therapy today about how it's only been 3 weeks since dad went into the hospital. he was admitted on election day exactly 21 days ago. and to me it seems like months since that happened. that was the last time i really had a normal conversation with him. so many things have happened, oy. so i'm trying to do a few things, one is let myself be exhausted. because i am. i lay down to read and fall asleep for 3 hours. i don't have to be at work till 9am, and i can't get up early to go for a walk, i'm just closing my eyes and then opening them 8-10 hours later and i'm still spent. the dark circles under my eyes are slowly going away, i might have normal sleep soon. i'm trying to focus on seminary stuff again. i'm pretty committed to staying on the east coast i think. rochester/lancaster/richmond/louisville(the farthest i think) and i think there's a school in portland maine, but i'm not sure. there are also places in jersey and mass that i need to check out. i think i'll spend all weekend on the internet :O)
all this stuff with my family just really cements that part of my calling in this life is to my family, and for me that means staying reasonably close to home.

ok. i've rambled enough. i'm off to sleep! night all
love and hugs
r

here's dad!

hey! i went to see dad yesterday, he's down to that one machine on the right side of the picture. he has some iv's still but just the one feeding tube. he had real breakfast the other day and they hope to move him to his own room in the next day or two. the bruises on his arm are a result of his platelet count being so low. any time he bumped anything he got big ugly bruises, but they are healing as his platelet count goes up. i'll post more tomorrow, i'm pretty exhausted and i have to get up early tomorrow to go to the 'hunters breakfast' at grammy's church. i'll report on that tomorrow. oh central pennsylvania. love you!

romero

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen. Oscar Romero

I read this prayer sporadically. and i love the hope it provides, and the permission it grants to say 'i can't do everything and that's ok.' i think it's particularly weighing on my mind today because i'm thinking about thanksgiving so much. we're going to be able to have thanksgiving dinner this year, but my brother and his wife won't be there, and dad won't be there. and dad isn't in his own room yet, so we can't take food to him (he's not eating solid foods anyway) but we'll have to have our dinner and then go visit him afterwards. we do have a lot to be thankful for this year. but it's still hard. everytime someone says that, we're reminded that he almost didn't make it. twice. that in the past two weeks we've had to face the reality that dad wouldn't live to see thanksgiving. now that he's going to make it, i am surely thankful and blessed and i know it, but it doesn't make almost losing him not hurt. it's hard to have so many conflicting emotions all at the same time. just makes me want to crawl into bed and hide.

i hope you all are having a great wednesday, and that you have a fantastic thanksgiving (ha. the irony) i love you all and am truly blessed to have friends like you.
r

mmmm hot chocolate

so i'm sitting in my office drinking hot chocolate. nearing the end of the first really normal day in about 2 weeks. i was in therapy today and just couldn't stop talking about how important it was for me to have a normal day. i think there's just so much that's totally not normal (like pretty much everything) that i need some normal. so i came to work, went to therapy, came back to work. talked to people on the phone met with a client, made some appointments. i've never been happier to have a boring, mildly irritatingly normal day. i'm so excited to go home and hang out and fall asleep. well i'll probably stop and get some wine on the way home, so go home, drink wine, and fall asleep. still fun :O)

so the exciting news for the day is that (with a lot of help i'm sure) the occupational therapist at the hospital had dad stand up!! mom is also having a normal day so she called to talk to his nurses and they told her that he stood up and that he was hangin' in there. i've never been so excited for someone to stand up ever :O) so i'm going to go to the hospital tomorrow with mom, maybe we'll get to see the standing! who knows. or maybe we can ask if he found the slot machines and the bar :O)

oh the drugs

so dad has been so severely drugged up the past week or so that he's still a little loopy. yesterday he thought the helicopter was a jet and kept asking if there were jets flying around, and today he asked mom if the nurses station was a bar and if there were any slot machines around. and he told her that he wanted to go on vacation in aruba when he gets out of the hospital. which would sound fun, but dad doesn't fly, so i'm not sure how he plans to get there. maybe a cruise?

my little brother is driving me insane. i need more than a 12 hour break from him. i think i'm taking tomorrow to lead a normal life. go to work, go for a walk, maybe go to the grocery store, hang out with my roommates. pretend dad isn't in the hospital. then i'll go up on tuesday and then thursday-sunday i'm guessing since i don't have to work.

mom talked to one of the residents working with dad today. she thought he would maybe be in the critical care unit through the end of the week and then into his own room for about a week. so sometime in december he'll be home. i'm trying to conserve using my time off while he's all out of it so that i can take it when he's either in his own room and bored out of his mind or when he's at home and needs someone to be there with him.

it's been a long weekend. i'm jazzed to sleep tonight. kinda wish i didn't have to go to work, but i know that it will be good to do something routine.and i am totally ordering food from somewhere tomorrow. perhaps pizza for lunch. hmmmm. oh the possibilities. ok. that's the weekend update!
peace out kids

things are looking up!

dad is off dialysis, his fever is down, his blood pressure is stable, he's producing things he's supposed to produce...and for the first time in a week, they took the breathing tube out and he can talk!!!!!!!! wahoooooooooo i'm going up to see him tomorrow or sunday, and i can't wait. i'm so excited that he can talk now! i haven't talked to mom, so i'm not sure if she told him he had 2 transplants or not. we're not sure he has any idea that there were two. anyway. so excited. things are all going in the proper direction :O) dad's chances of living are exponentially greater than they were just 48 hours ago. thanks for your thoughts and prayers and emails, i know i couldn't have made it this far without them. you guys are the best. love you! r

yay.

we got a call last night at 10:30ish and the said the liver was all hooked up and appeard to be working and that the surgery was just suppossed to be another 90 minutes. my brother called me at 1:20am, but i can't remember what he said. i'm assuming it was that dad was back up in cicu, but i was totally asleep. i called mom but she must still be asleep, so i'm waiting for her to call me back. i'm suppossed to drive up in about 30 minutes, but i'm totally sleepy,so i might wait till 9:30 to leave, i can't get in until 11 anyway. lets hope this liver works!

ok

there is a donor liver from delaware. it's only 23 years old so they're hopeful it will work out. not sure yet what me and timmy are doing, but dad's scheduled for surgery at 6pm today.

rach

tuesday sucks.

we got to the hospital around 11:30 this morning and mom told us. dads liver was in place and the blood was flowing through it, but it wasn't doing anything. they did a third biopsy and compared them and found that the liver was dying. so dad is back on the transplant list. this time right at the top, and this time for a 3 state radius. if a liver becomes available from 'pittsburgh to delaware' the doc said, dad gets first dibs. i assume that since they're putting him on this list that they think he can live through the surgery. but i think i have to confront the reality that he might die. if they don't get a liver soon enough, i don't know how long he will live, even being in the hospital and hooked up to a million machines, i'm not sure how much they can do. i know that life isn't fair. and our family has had a pretty blessed existence, but it just feels like it's not fair. my siblings are young, i don't think my sister has made peace with our dad. i'm only 26, i don't feel like i'm old enough to be losing a parent. i just want to scream and cry and kick the floor, a good old fashioned temper tantrum. there's nothing i can do but pray for strength and peace.

monday monday monday

dad's fighting the infection as i type. he's been pretty non-responsive all day, mom wasn't sure why, if it was the antibiotics or the steriods he's on. he got a little better, which is all we can ask for. there are 4 liver functions that they check to see if the liver is working, and 2 of them have been working, one just barely kicked in today and we're still waiting for the 4th. the good thing is that there's pretty much no chance of rejection of the liver, it just needs to start working. the doc's say that because dad was sooo sick when he had the surgery it's taking longer than they thought. but for now we're really just focusing on fighting the infection. me and timmy and maybe grammy are going to be going up to the hosptial tomorrow. e and j have come back to state college, there were 50mph winds at the job site so they did some work this morning and then came back to the hospital today. there really is something so important about just being present. i'm going to hang out with my roommates tonight and i think that will be some good stress relief. oh well. i'm aware that what i want might not be the same as what is going to happen, so lots of praying for strength to endure whatever is to happen. and for peace of mind while we wait to see how things are going to work out. for wisdom for the doctors and nurses and also peace of mind for dad as he's laying in the hospital.

ok. dinner time.
love you all
r

so.

apparently the liver isn't just working slow, it's barely working. which you know is the point of having a new one, that it works. sigh. so today they did a biopsy on the liver, just so they could take a look at it and see if there was something they didn't see before they did the surgery, things like that. the preliminary exam of the biopsy was good, the doctors are hopeful that the liver kicks in at any moment. if it doesn't then dad will go back on a transplant list. sigh. and he'll be 'status 1' and he'll be first in line for a liver in a 3 state radius. not sure which the other 2 states are, but anyway. so then they would just do another transplant. we're really really really hoping that the liver just starts working. they were thinking that because he was soooo sick when they did the transplant that could be why it's taking so long. so, we're all just praying that it kicks in. the other bad news was that they found some germs in his blood, so they took some blood and the infectious disease guy was going to check it out. they put him on an antibiotic the doc called 'the big guns'.
his hemoglobin's (ha. i knoooow that's spelled wrong) and his blood pressure were stable, so that's good. it's just hard to think he might have to do the surgery again. and he's hooked up to a million machines and i'm just so afraid that he's not going to be ok. the doc kept saying that he was ok, but still definitely in critical condition and not out of the woods yet. the nurse said about 5 days in the intensive care unit. i slept this afternoon a bit and i'm going to try and go to work tomorrow, just to do some work and try and figure out what my plan is for the rest of the week. and to distract myself. i've had nothing but dad and him being sick and almost dying since wednesday night and it's just too much.
ok. i'm waiting for mom to call and check in and then i'm going to go home and go to bed. sigh.

day 3

so today i went up and hung at the hospital. dad's doing ok, but just ok. yesterday we thought the doc's had said the liver was slow...it's still slow to the point of not really working. which is sooooo not the point of a transplant. they say that sometimes it takes a few days for the liver to realize where it is and what it's suppossed to be doing. so we're just praying that it kicks in any minute. dad was pretty with it today, still has the breathing tube thing in so he can't talk, but he wrote us a few notes, asking what day it was and if he was ok. it's so hard and i just want him to be ok. i don't know what happens if the liver doesn't start working. do we just have to give up? mom said we're just not even thinking about that option. the nurse said he would probably be in icu for 5ish days, so that's wednesday or thursday. the nice thing about that is that he has nurses there all the time, the bad part is there's not really anywhere for us to hang out. and when he has the breathing thing in he can't talk to us so we just feel hopeless.

i'm exhausted and totally drained. hopefully i'll get to spend some time decompressing tomorrow. i'm just completely spent. ok, i think i have about an hour to lay down before i have to drive back to the hospital.

sigh.

update

hey everyone, it's been the longest 36 hours of my life. i want to say thank you for the phone calls and emails and text messages, they all meant a lot. dad's surgery was about 8-9 hours long, he was done around 7pm and then moved up to the icu later and we got to see him around 12:30am. it took a while to stablize him, he was bleeding a lot and they went through 30 units of blood (i guess a lot? frannie?) he's still in the icu, kind of drifting in and out of being awake. he has a breathing tube and is on dialisis. apparently he was really really sick and the doctor said it was a 'life and death situation' and had they not done the surgery when they did then he wouldn't have lived through the weekend. sigh. so we saw him at 12:30am and went back to the hotel to sleep. they called mom around 2am and they took him down to the OR again because they were having problems with bleeding. he was in the OR till about 7am this morning and he's still in the icu. the doc's say the liver is doing everything it should be doing, just a little slow, but they're hoping it will perk up and work just fine. it's really hard to see him, he's all hooked up to everything and the breathing tube just looks brutal. i'm home now to help take care of timmy and stay the night in state college and then i'll head back to the hospital in the morning. the doc's said the next 48 hours are really important because of how sick he was when they did the surgery. so i'll be driving back and forth for the next few days, i'm going to try and go to work a bit monday maybe? i don't know it just depends on when he gets out of ICU the doc also said he could be on dialisis(sp?) for up to 2 weeks, so we've got a haul ahead of us.

ok. timmy and i need to find food. thanks again for the prayers (ha and rainbows and butterflies:O)
love and hugs, rach

wahoo!

mom just called and the surgery has started!!! wahooooooooooo the doc's will call in a few hours to let her know how long it should be :O)

r

keep your fingers crossed...

the fourth liver has checked out! dad should be in surgery right now, barring any last minute weirdness (mom says "i don't know, they could drop the liver or something") the surgery started at 7. it should be a 4-6 hour procedure and then a few days in the 'critical care unit' where he'll be knocked out and then some hospital time to recoup a bit and then home.

so keep your fingers crossed there are no last minute hold ups, i'll post with great sadness if there are. and i'll post again when i can.

prayers and happy thoughts of rainbows and butterflies always welcome :O)

love you!

well. that explains that.

they removed 6 litre's of fluid from dad's abdomen today (!) i mean, i'd be miserable with that much fluid hanging out doing nothing too. i guess that as his liver becomes less functional his kidneys are having to work overtime and they're not able to do everything and thusly the fluid builds up (i guess) so dad is in the hospital till at least friday. now the crazy thing is that they might have a liver to give him. they will know around 6am (again) so no one is really getting their hopes up, but we'll see. it would be convenient, that's for sure. on the plus side i might actually sleep tonight because i'm already exhausted. ok. peace out yo.

praying the hours

so, there's this tradition of praying the hours.

"Canonical hours are ancient divisions of time, developed by the Christian Church, serving as increments between the prescribed prayers of the daily round. A Book of Hours contains such a set of prayers." now to pray the hours you don't have to have a book of hours, but they are historical things. "A book of hours is the most common type of surviving medieval illuminated manuscript. Each book of hours is unique in one way or another, but all contain a collection of texts, prayers and psalms, along with appropriate illustrations, to form a reference for Catholic Christian worship and devotion."
so this is a very old tradition of being intentional about liturgy and prayer throughout your day. original book of hours are absolutely pieces of art. you can read all about them here so i learned about this tradition a year or so ago? and i thought it sounded cool, a way to incorporate more intentional talking to god and reflection and present-ness into my everyday life. so i bought this book (the merton book) because it's got the days separated into the hours and has the passages and prayers that you are suppossed to use during the different times of the day. so i'm going to dig it out (it's still in the moving mess) and see if i like the structure or not, i really think i'm going to and i think it will help manage life stress.
the old medieval books are really fantastic,so if you go to the wikipedia link i think there are some pictures of some pages. very beautiful.

happy monday :O)

i'm feeling a little foggy this morning, like i have a busy weekend hangover or something. for something completely different, i'm going to write about just exciting things today. nothing about dad at all. because honestly, life is pretty great. i have fantastic friends, a future i'm excited about and exciting things are going on. i need to remember that more.

i'm taking thursday and friday off to work on seminary applications, and while i know the essays will be challenging, just the thought of getting the process started is super exciting. i'm so jazzed to just spend a few days doing things for just me. and i'm totally not feeling anxiety about doing it. i know i can't leave town right now, that thought just throws me straight into freaking out, but doing paperwork and writing essays is totally ok. because in a few months it will be ok to leave state college and this helps me know that.

ok. i just started to write about the other new thing that's exciting, but realized it will be a looong post so i'm going to type it all up and post it as its own entity. :O)

um, penn state won on saturday, that's exciting. i wanted the colts to win yesterday, but oh well. i'm excited that basketball season is upon us. i'm interested to see how the celtics do this season. i LOVE kg and rondo so i'm probably going to jump on the celts bandwagon :O)

um. i suppose that's all...i'll post more when i've had time to compile some info.
happy monday everyone!

3rd time was not the charm

mom and dad hit up the hospital last night for the third time. they were there a long time this time and again got sent home. my sister in law tells me that there are an average of 3 false starts, so hopefully next time the liver will be juuuust right. everyone sounded a little exasperated when i called them this morning. grammy, uncle danny, sister and brother. everyone is ready to be all done. sigh sigh and sigh.

every day when i don't sleep so spectacularly i wake up and think i'm going to have dark circles under my eyes, and i never do, but today i look like absolute shit and there's just not anything i can do about it.

i'm going to start brainstorming for seminary essays tomorrow, hopefully that will keep me occupied.

love and hugs.
r

essays are fun!

so i'm going to start my seminary applications this weekend. spend some quality time doing laundry, filling in info, and brainstorming my essays. it's like my friend matt said, they all want a 5 page version of your life, but they all want it just a little bit different. so you can't just copy and paste a thing, you just have to write a new paper for each app. wahoooo! i knew i got that english minor for something :O)

here's one application's directions:
In a separate statement, recount briefly (3 – 5 double-spaced pages) your
a. family and education.
b. decision to prepare for leadership in the church.
c. special interest in a particular area of ministry.
d extracurricular activities during college or community activities.
e. participation in church or other religious work, noting particularly positions of leadership you have held.
f. reasons for seeking admission to Columbia Theological Seminary

oy. not excited. and i'm going to apply i think to 4 schools, so i have 4 slightly different versions of that. wahooooooooooooooooooooo!!

happy friday!
hugs,r

when your body is not your own.

i have friends who have had kids and who have said that after you have a child your body is not your own anymore. it's kind of community property, you no longer have reservations about people seeing it, it's just kind of there. this was exemplified a few weeks ago when a friend (and mom of 2) had some lumps removed from her breast and she just whipped her shirt up and showed us the bruising from the surgery. (we had asked how she was doing and if she was in much pain, so there was a reason for this)and she was like, yeah i just don't care who sees what anymore. i have a friend who's currently 17 weeks pregnant and it's her first kid and we were all looking to see if there was definite baby versus what she calls her 'budda' and i touched her stomach. and after i did it i was immediately like oh my gosh i'm sorry i didn't ask i just touched it and she was like no it's ok don't worry about it. i have another friend who has a toddler(she's still a toddler, right?) and she was at a christmas party and was like 8 months pregnant and another adult was drunk and touched her stomach to move her out of the way. now it's been a few years, and this friend is still annoyed at the drunk lady. it's this weird phenomenon that your body is somehow community property when you're pregnant. strangers think they can touch your stomach and comment about your 'condition.' i was thinking about this today because my dad is sick and this morning he was in a lot of pain and couldn't stand up or sit up and was shaking really badly. so he called his doctor. he waited um about 5 hours for the doctor to call back, through the day he started to feel a bit better, and the doctor finally called back and said oh you're ok it's nothing to worry about. it strikes me as kind of the same thing. once you get sick with some disease, in dad's case cancer, you don't know what's best anymore. you're in a lot of pain? meh, it's ok says the doctor, and you just have to say 'ok' because they know your body better than you do. people poke you and drain you and analyze your blood and know you more intimately that you know yourself. it's weird to think that you're not the expert on your own body. i mean, who knows what i can do better than i do? who knows how much pain is too much for me? it's so weird. so frustrating. i'm ready to be done with this foray into science and medicine.

it's the great pumpkin!

happy halloween everyone!! i hope you all caught the great pumpkin last night on tv!

have a great day :O) eat some candy.

argh

so this time when mom called at 8:30am to tell me they were coming home it was because the liver was too small. sigh. i really really hope there's just one more time. this is exhausting and just emotionally strenuous each time. i'm going to lay in the papizan chair and watch 'murder,she wrote' and cry for a while.

play it again sam...

hey kids, it's take 2 with the liver. dad got a call at 9:15ish and he and mom are at the hospital now. we're just waiting to hear. i'll mass email and repost when i know anything.
prayers are always welcome :O)
love and hugs, rach

have a great weekend!

hey kids, i have lots of work to complete in the next 90 minutes, so i thought i'd take a short break before i start. it's a dreary fall day today, lots of drizzle and clouds. i've only been outside for about 2 minutes since 9am so i'm not sure how cold it is, but it looks like it would be the kind of day to open your curtains and look at the dreariness from the comfort of your own bed and your fantastically wonderful flannel comforter :O) anyway. a few friends are coming into town for the big PSU/OSU game. that should be fun, hopefully dad doesn't get his liver right after the game, traffic is already hell. epsn gameday is broadcasting from beaver stadium tomorrow, check it out! it's supposed to be gross, just like today, so i'm not venturing out for the show, but i'll watch it from the aforementioned comfy bed. i'm going to an 'oktoberfest' dinner party tomorrow so that should be fun my housemate and i are making apple strudel. so that should be an adventure. ummmm, nothing else exciting planned for the weekend. if it doesn't rain on sunday i am going to ride my bike back into town from my parents house. it's so fun to ride a bike again!
hope you're all planning super fun weekend adventures!
jess hope you're having fun with the mouse!
*r

musings on the walk back from therapy

my therapists office is about a 3 minute walk from my office. that makes it nice because i can go during the day and not worry about parking or traffic or anything. so today on the way back from the therapist i was struck by the wonder that is october in the northeast. the sky was that cold slate gray that means you aren't seeing the sun today. and against the clouds the leaves on the trees just popped, drenched in yellows and reds and oranges. the colors defying the gray sky and the drearyness that it inspires. as i was walking i noticed the leaves on the ground, each one different and yet the same. they reminded me of the miracle that is nature. i find that in the fall with its bright colors and drastic changes i'm more aware of my environment. i see the leaves changing and falling, i hear the rustle of the dried up corn stalks in the fields, i taste the squash and cider that are abundant, and i cozy up in sweatshirts and sweaters and slippers. i love fall. and as the leaves fall off the trees and i am able to see each branch doing boldly standing out and showing its form i see a hint of winter.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

i'm torn. on one hand, i LOVE christmastime. it's my faaaavorite season, and i firmly believe it should last from the day after thanksgiving till new years eve. i love that church is more festive, people focus on what they can do for others, there is just music everywhere, and there are little white christmas lights in the trees downtown, there's SNOW! it's cold so you can wear scarves and gloves and your black pea coat and sweaters. it's just fantastic*

now, i went to the grocery store tonight, and there are already christmas trees there. um. excuse me. it's october 22. not even halloween yet! in fact at this grocery store the kids were running around in their costumes because it was halloween night. so, how come we can't just enjoy halloween, and then enjoy thanksgiving, and THEN enjoy christmas? why does christmas surpass the other two? sigh. is it because you don't get presents for halloween and thanksgiving? i mean, really christmas isn't about the presents anyway, but try telling mainstream america that. oh well. i guess i'll just have to enjoy the extra weeks of fake christmas tress. oooh if it means starbucks has the 'peppermint mocha' early i'm all for it ;O)


*yes. i realize not everyone agrees with me, and that for some people, like natrizzle, christmas isn't exactly your holiday, but work with me here people

false alarm

so after staying at the hospital and getting prepped for surgery and getting a time for surgery, the transplant guy decided that the donated liver wasn't in good enough condition for dad. i guess it's good because i want dad to get a super wonderful liver, but it's exhausting. none of us got more than 2 hours of sleep last night and it's emotionally drianing too. i'm off to bed for a bit. it's a beautiful fall day today and i'll try and post on something else later. thanks for the happy thoughts. love, r

to amish country

i'm off to visit the lancaster theological seminary tomorrow! hopefully it will be a good trip and i'll write about it either tomorrow night or saturday :O) have a good friday everyone!
hugs, r

yup.

so in therapy i've referred to my house as a 'suck it up household.' and my therapist gets this and takes it into consideration when we're talking about how i feel with regards to dad's surgery. yesterday's analogy was like a fireman at the station waiting for the alarm to go off. all by myself. so that was hard. and then today i get this email from my grandmother.
Dear Rachel: Mom told me that you are making yourself sick worrying about and thinking constantly about your Dad's surgery. Honey, worrying about it is not going to change a thing. It may be another month or two before he gets word that he is scheduled. it is most important that you remain strong in your faith and be a source of encouragement and support for both him and your mother. We all must take it one day at a time. If you get sick your mother will be the one that will have to take care of you and she does not need that. And she does not need to be worrying about you not functioning well at work or while driving around. Look forward to your trip to Lancaster and concentrate on that experience and have a good time. I know that you are capable of taking charge of your life.
Love you, Grammy

basically saying. suck it up. have your feelings, but don't let anyone know. is it any wonder that i don't tell them i go to therapy? sigh.


on a totally different note, there's a book out called 'a year of living the bible literally.' and it looks pretty interesting and kinda funny, and there's an email dialogue going on at slate.com between the author and another religious writer guy. pretty funny stuff and really interesting.

hope you're all having a great wednesday!
r

shocking, i know

A Penn State football player has been charged with sexual assault. According to the local paper, he told the police "she told me she wasn't going to have sex with me" when they were on the way back to his place, but "you know, in the heat of the moment they change their mind." So lets forget for a moment that I'm a sexual assault counselor, and just examine the he said/she said of the incident (or at least what's being reported in the paper, allegedly taken from the police report). He says, she changed her mind and it was consensual, she says she passed out on his bed and woke up with him on top of her, she moved he punched her in the kidney and she laid still untill he was done, waited for him to fall asleep and then tried to sneak out of the apartment. He woke up, she said she had to go and he gave her a hug and she left. She later got a text message from him saying "R U OK?" During the police interview he repeatedly referred to her as "This girl" even though he said he'd known her for a few months.
So that's the big news in Happy Valley. Being a sexual assault counselor I'm inclined to believe the woman. Rape is falsely reported about the same percentage as other crimes in the United States, and is frequently not reported at all. Things like media coverage, internalized shame or guilt and the knowledge of who your perpetrator is or isn't all play into that decision of reporting. Your life will be changed forever, and in a small town with a big football team, that's not always a good thing.
So this story broke online Friday afternoon and was in the paper on Saturday. I was sitting in my living room with my housemate and her kid and two of my housemates friends (both men). So they see the headline about the football player being charged and start to make comments like "well what did she expect" and "she knew what was going to happen when she went home with him" and "she knew who he was."
I am tired and feel that any statement I make is going to be futile and their reactions will only piss me off, so I don't say anything. My housemate argues with them a little bit, and eventually we both just tell them to shut up. One of the guys was starting in on the whole "personal responsibility" piece and the other just kept agreeing.
Ugh. It's been so long since I've been around men who actually a- believe that shit, and b- will say so around women. I was a little in shock at first, I mean, really? you go home with a guy you're obviously going to have sex? You walk through that door and all choice is taken away? Kinda makes you wonder about someone who feels that way. On a lot of feminist blogs many commenters will say that they've never met a man who has seen women as fully human. I've never understood that, thinking that all the men I know see me as fully human. But these two guys, if they actually believe what they are saying, can't really see women as fully human. I mean, if they did then it wouldn't matter who you went home with, you could say you didn't want to have sex and it would be respected. Or you could pass out in your friends bed and wouldn't have to wake up to him having sex with you. I feel like that's such a base understanding I just don't get how other people disagree. Sigh.

My lunch just showed up, Happy Monday everyone!
hugs, r

ok

so, let me condense the last post and also explain myself because i kind of just stopped and it didn't all make sense. so the quote thing- it says 'your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding' and so that related to the whole dad thing because the illness and the risks and just having to acknowledge his mortality in any way is really hard, and thinking about that puts me into a world i don't get and i'm scared of.
and the therapy thing- no one else in my family is talking about this whole surgery thing as something that's at all scary. and it scares the shit out of me. and i think that makes me feel really alone and sad. and i just realized tuesday at therapy that it was an issue, i mean, i knew it scared me but hadn't really talked out the fact that no one else in the fam is talking about it. or that if they do start they just dismiss it as nothing to worry about. and that's hard for me.

see. i could tell you guys things in just 2 short paragraphs. but when i'm all emotional it's like a big run on sentence :O)

happy fall! the cool weather has arrived here in state college! it's homecoming weekend! someone thought it would be a good idea for penn state to play wisconson for their homecoming game. sigh. maybe we'll pull it off, but i'm not so sure. so have a great weekend! i plan to sleep and sew and hopefully eli will come home and i can sit at a bar and watch football with him.
love you all
r

yo yo

I'm exhausted. Babysitting is tiring. I'm sleeping on a waterbed. Who has a waterbed anymore? I'm sleepy. Still working on something else to post,but not quite done yet. It involves a metaphor that made sense when I first thought of it, but I'm having trouble articulating. So someday it will be finished and you'll all be underwhelmed by the buildup,but in the meantime I wanted to share a quote and a revelation from therapy yesterday. The quote is by Kahlil Gibran: "And a woman spoke, saying, tell us of pain. And he said: Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your job; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."
I've loved that quote for quite a while. I have had it printed out and taped to my monitor from the day I got my full time job. I've never really understood it, never thought about it more than to acknowledge that pain is a necessity if we're ever to fully live life. I just really liked the the words. In therapy yesterday we talked about dad (which happens every week) and I talked about how it's weird that our family is focused on two things. We're all focused on living our daily life, and then we're focused on how things will work after dad is out of the hospital. No one talks about the actual surgery. It's just understood that everything will be fine and that the surgery will be a success.
The day that dad got diagnosed with cancer was a Thursday. I remember because I didn't go to Otto's that night, I just didn't feel up to being around people. So I stayed home and watched "Gray's Anatomy." So it turns out that this was the night when George's dad dies. He'd had some sort of surgery and it didn't work out so well. and George is outside talking to Christina and he says "I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't." And she says "Yeah, that never really changes." I feel like that possibility isn't something that anyone in the family is acknowledging. I know that it's likely that everything will go as planned and he'll have his surgery and recover and be spectacular. But there's part of me that needs to at least acknowledge the risk that's involved, and that part of that risk is that he could die. Is that probably going to happen? no. But could it? yes. I think if I just pretend it isn't even an option then it would be harder to deal if something adverse did happen. Does that make sense? I don't know. I'm really not trying to be melodramatic or doomsday-like, but I guess I just need the whole spectrum of outcomes to be part of my reality. That way no matter what happens I've at least thought about it before. Then it's not out of the blue. I think I'm just really scared about the surgery. It's a huge deal I think and it's really hard to wrap my head around it. I started thinking about the time at the hospital, within 45min-1hour after he gets to the hospital dad will be in surgery. And then we wait for 6-8 hours for him to be finished. That's such a long time. I have to pack my bag for the hospital and I'm going to include a book so that maybe I can read. At least if it's during the day I can call people and talk on the phone. Sigh. I just am ready for it to happen. I seem to cycle between feeling really positive and like we're doing things to prepare, and then feeling really strung out like I can't deal with anything because it hasn't happened yet. I'm exhausted and I want a vacation.

hey

i'm working on another longer post, but i'm babysitting till thursday so if i finish it tonight i'll try and take my laptop to church and post it tomorrow before FISH (high school youth group.)otherwise it will be thursday.

so i'm watching a 4th grader and a 2nd grader (i think 2nd grade, i'm not positive)and i know them and their parents and they're great kids. but last night 'high school musical 2' was on. and it wasn't starting till 8pm and their bedtime is 8-8:30pm. so grandma was watching them all last week(their parents are in europe for work/anniversary) and i don't think she enforced any rules. so the 4th grader is a boy and i've known him for awhile and so he was like, throwing a fit about watching it and i had to threaten to unplug the tv till their aunt gets there on thursday. which got them upstairs. then i had to drag him out of his parents room and list off the other friends of his parents that we could call who would all tell him that he had to go to bed. and that's what finally got him to bed. sigh. so i'm hoping tonight goes more smoothly. i don't have to put them to bed on wednesday, so that's not an issue. oy. i'm sooo not ready to be a parent. i like to think that if they were MY kids i'd have more control, but i don't know that for sure. sigh. anyway. they're both gone for dinner tonight so just homework and bed when they get home. hopefully tonight isn't as bad as last night. oh no. there's a disney hallween movie on till 9:30. and you know they're going to want to watch that. maybe we can just keep the tv off all night and they'll never know it's even on! hey i can dream can't i? ok. off to the land of elementary schoolers!
hugs
r

cool idea!

hey if you have extra time on your hands and you like to write and you enjoy the month of november, i have found the opportunity for you!

there is something called national novel writing month. where you write a 50,000 word novel in a month (about 175 pages) the goal is quantity, not quality. check out the website,www.nanowrimo.org, and think about it. i'm going to decide if i have the time to do it or not. it would definitely take some time commitment. i mean 50,000 words in 30 days is what? about 1700 words a day, which is 3.5 pages? oh it sounds so fun! i'm a huge geek, but it sounds like fun to me. i think i'm going to check out my schedule and see what i can figure out. you should all join me!

you're getting sleepy

i'm so freaking tired. i haven't slept all night since saturday. the receptionist said to take some tylenol pm or something tonight just so i can sleep. sigh. so today you get quotes. one from my starbucks cup (which is apparently not big enough to wake me up) and one from my quote book that's on my desk.

"You can learn a lot more from listening than you can from talking. Find somenoe with whom you don't agree in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don't argue back. It's physically impossible to listen with your mouth open." John Moe (coffee cup qoute)

"Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart." Myla Kabat-Zinn

have a good wednesday. get some sleep for me.

why live a life of faith?

According to Wikipedia a Crisis of faith is a term commonly applied to periods of intense doubt and internal conflict about one's preconceived beliefs or life decisions.
I don't think I've ever had a crisis of faith. I've never had a period of time where I didn't believe in God. I've had times where, to quote a movie I can't remember*, "I'm not mad at God, I just don't want to talk to him right now." That line stuck with me because it's so true of my life. It was at the time and it is now. When things happen that suck, I think my first response is to wonder why, and then because I am a person of faith I move to knowing that it's part of a plan that I'm not in charge of. I have to take comfort in that or I don't know how I'd get through the day. I know that's not a sentiment that's shared by everyone, and that's fine, but for me it's a fundamental part of who I am. I was thinking about this last night and then today because a friend of a friend committed suicide over the weekend. I really didn't know her, I had met her once at a party and had a great time talking to her, but that's really it. And yet I find myself wondering why, why she felt like she needed to go. It is similar to how I felt when grampy died suddenly, when we found out dad had cancer, when 9-11 happened, every time I talk to a client, everytime someone is killed in a battlezone, when I watched the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. It's a question that I think any person of faith struggles with, how can you still believe in God when all these terrible things are happening? For me the answer is both simple and complex. The simple answer is that I know that God exists because there's something else there; in the silence, in the trees, in the conversations with friends, in shared pain and shared celebration. Psalm 46:10 says "Be still, and know that I am God." When I'm sitting, thinking, praying, crying, trying to figure out why things are happening, I know I'm not doing it alone, and that I don't have to do it alone. For me I couldn't do it alone. This life and this world are too complex, too dangerous, too heartbreaking to go it alone. I need all the help I can get to make it through and to understand it. Friends, family, strangers, nature, community and faith are what I need to keep going. The easy part is seeing God in the community I've created for myself. The hard part is seeing God in the pain and suffering that some members of that community have to face. To use an overused phrase 'Everything happens for a reason.' I would interpret that as 'Everything happens according to God's plan.' Someone once said "You want to know how to make God laugh? Tell him your 5 year plan." Because you can plan every nanosecond of every day, but you don't really know what's going to happen. People come and go from our lives and we may not know why until years later. We have chance encounters with people all the time and never know what impact we make on their lives. There's a neat book called "Einstein's Dreams" that talks about the ways that our lives are all interconnected. It's a really neat little book that(if you're a person of faith who overanalyzes) can really point out how intricate God's plan really is. How nothing, good or bad, happens out of pure chance.

I guess that's all for today. I've rambled long enough. I'm hoping it was coherent rambling and I apologize if it's not. Enjoy your Tuesday nights. Love you all, hugs, r




*if anyone recognizes the quote, please tell me what movie (maybe tv show?)it's from! It's driving me crazy that I can't remember it.

movies

has anyone seen 'across the universe'? i'm waiting for it to show up in state college becky saw it in philly and she really liked it.

so last night i had a dream where i was telling my friend dave how much i like the movie 'state and main.' this is funny for a few reasons. one- dave was wearing a tux and i really don't know why, and b- i do love 'state and main' but i really don't know why. if you haven't seen it, here's the synopsis courtesy of imdb dot com

Having left New Hampshire over excessive demands by the locals, the cast and crew of "The Old Mill" moves their movie shoot to a small town in Vermont. However, they soon discover that The Old Mill burned down in 1960, the star can't keep his pants zipped, the starlet won't take her top off, and the locals aren't quite as easily conned as they appear.

the summer i lived with my friends mande and ian we watched this movie like 8 million times. but we never saw the entire thing because something was wrong with the tape (yes. it was a vhs) and we never saw the last 10 minutes of the movie. so i bought it when i lived in new hampshire i think and i freaking love it. i think all the characters are just so perfectly cast. alec baldwin plays a smarmy movie star who likes 14 year old girls, sarah jessica parker is a ditzy movie star, william h macy is a director who has a pillow that says 'shoot first ask questions later', philip seymore hoffman is a self deprecating playwrite. it's just spectacular casting, the writing is amazing. it's written and directed by david mamet. my favorite quotes are "It's not a lie.It's a gift for fiction." and "Yep, it's faggy without being homosexual."

i'm not sure the rest of the world shares my opinion that this is one hilarious movie, but i do enjoy it.

have a great weekend! i'll be out at a camp with college and high school kids. should be fun, it's suppossed to be a beautiful weekend :O)
peace, love and hugs
r

busy busy busy

holy cow it's been a busy week! i went out to kirkstock on saturday. spent the day listening to music on a hill in centre hall(20 minutes from state college). it was way more fun than it sounds :O) we camped out and then when we got back to state college sunday morning i promptly slept all day. work has been insane the past two days, lots of clients, lots of communication and miscommunication, lots of confused rachel. but it's wednesday. i'm hoping to spend some time doing stats today, so a fun filled day of typing on my computer :O) it neeeeeeeds to get done and if i don't do it wicked soon i'm going to be in a bad stats spot.

in other news, i'm trying to eat yogurt. it's so good for you and it's such a good breakfast thing to eat at my desk (where i usually eat breakfast). but the texture drives me crazy and even makes me gag a little. so today i'm trying blueberry yogurt with some wheat chex cereal mixed in. i'm hoping the crunchy will outweigh the gross texture. it's the same with bananas, although most of the time i can get past the texture with them. yes. this is very interesting, i know.

has anyone seen 'across the universe'? my sister saw it and thought it was great. i've seen the previews and i want to go but it's not in state college yet so i'm waiting.

oh and the guy ahead of dad got his transplant last week, so he's hovering at number 1. i guess he can fluctuate if someone gets more sick than him they'll bump him, but he won't be far from the top and his transplant guy said he expects to do the surgery in the next 2 months. i'll be out of town with crap cell reception this weekend so i'm kinda freaking out about that, but i'm sure it will be fine. right?

well. i suppose that's it. i've started looking at seminary application essay's, so i'm sure as i work on them they'll show up here in some form or another with a plea for comments :O)

happy wednesday everyone! hugs

happy friday!

sorry for the lack of actual postage this week. busy at work and life was hard and busy at the same time, so the blog took a hit. i want to officially welcome natron and ker bear to the commenting :O) it's so much fun!

so i was watching the today show the other day. now i'm pretty incoherent in the morning, but i do catch some stuff. so matt lauer is interviewing a guy who had been on a bike ride with his dogs and while he was on his bike ride he was attacked by a bear (!) now of course, he's still in a sling and whatnot and is on morning tv talking about his experience which brings up tons of questions about the celebrity culture we participate in and the voyeurism or exploitation that exists in our country. no the first thing we'll note is the interview. so matt lauer is talking about what happened, you know like 'ok so you're biking through the woods. now what' type stuff. and apparently this guy who was attacked tried to use his bike to get the bear to go away. so this guy. HAS HIS ARM IN A SLING and matt lauer says 'now can you show me what you did.' are you freaking kidding me? he's still not even recovered, he only has use of ONE ARM and you feel the need to ask him to demonstrate how he used his bike as a weapon to fend off an effing bear!?! what the fuck! it's bad enough that we feel the need to exploit this guy and put him on the today show just so we can stare at him and go wow. you almost died. scary. but why do we as a culture put up with shit like that? i mean, why not have a ranger on to talk about survival skills? why have the actual guy on and ask him to use his ONE ARM to show you how he got the bear away? what good is that doing? i mean honesty, if you're riding your bike in the woods and you see a bear, are you going to remember how this guy used his bike to hit it?no. i mean hell yes you'd hit the bear with the bike, but the one armed man's technique will probably elude you in the heat of the moment.
why do we need to put these people on tv? it's the same thing that happens when there's a tragedy, and people go on morning tv shows or oprah or dr phil or whatever. and they're on tv like the day after something happens and the anchors just exploit their pain and suffering for ratings. and it's not all tv's fault. i mean, what are we as a culture saying if we're watching this shit? i mean, we encourage people to do this, we made a culture that makes it hard to say no. we love people simply for being famous, for allowing us to see their lives. and if they make a spectacle of themselves, even better. we as a culture encourage them to go on the tv shows, to break down on the today show, to share their pain and suffering. and then we drop them about 10 minutes after the segment is over. and the next great thing is profiled. it's sad really. and there is so much more to say. but for now i'll stop ranting, my last client of the week just showed up, so time to wrap up this very long and very busy week of work.
have a great weekend! i'll be drinking in a field :O) i love central pennsylvania!

humpday poem

because i like it.
Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

so i guess

the problem with having a blog is that you need something to say :O) today was exhausting. meetings and court hearings and my first day of therapy and board meetings and pissed off clients and distraught clients and an upset dad. just a lot. i feel like i'm a broken record and that my friends have had enough of me complaining. and other people are dealing with so much more than i am. i'm sorry if you're sick of my sad blog entries i'm going to leave it up to you to stop reading them if that's the case. i'll be more upbeat tomorrow or thursday. but today was really, really hard. i mean, some days it takes all you have to just show up and be present and so much of my job is being able to communicate with other people and to support them. and i'm really good at being on, and being able to focus on people and not them them know how i'm actually doing. whether it's clients or other staff members. i don't know. i'm rambling. all i know is that i wish i could wake up tomorrow and it would be a sunday in charleston. and kerrie would go to church and then come home and we would eat lunch with frannie and then watch 'finding nemo' in the lounge while we did our laundry and life would be simple.
i love you guys. i hope that you're doing well. i miss you a lot. and i'm sorry this blog has disintegrated into rambling and missing blue 2. i'll be more focused in the morning.

yo yo

not much to say today. i had a good weekend, hung out with my friend J on saturday and then spent all day sunday cleaning my room and moving stuff around. i have a super busy week, won't be home until at least 8ish every night but friday. i have a cold and i am very much trying to get rid of it before saturday. some friends are playing at this little music festival so we'll be hanging out all day and camping out saturday night. don't want to be sick for that.

oh the disturbing news of the weekend was when i found a gray hair right on the top of my head. sigh. mom didn't get her first gray hair till like 50. and she had 4 kinds. sigh. although T has a little crop of gray hair in the back, so it could be worse.

ok. in 15 minutes my volunteer comes to hang out for almost the rest of the day. guess how much work i'll get done! oh well.

happy monday everyone!

My childhood Jesus

preface: every other week i'll be writing a program for the college aged group that i work with. most weeks this will include an essay of sorts (also called a "message" or "sermon" or "meditatin". since i see much power in words i'm careful to not call it the s-word and usually go essay or meditaition) so i figured i'd post these here on the blog. some of you will probably choose to never read these posts, and that's cool, i figure i'll post 'em anyway :O)

this week we started reading the book 'meeting jesus again for the first time' and in that book the author talks about his 'childhood jesus' and how that image changed for him as he grew up, went to college and then on to seminary. we used this theme of 'childhood jesus' to start our discussion tonight. so i wrote a bit about who my childhood jesus was and really continues to be. happy friday!

My childhood Jesus.
Whenever I talk about my faith inevitably the question of Jesus comes up. I suppose this is only natural as I am a Christian, but I’ve never really had a good answer. I’ve always seen myself as more of a God person than a Jesus person. See for me growing up I was always a little scared of loving Jesus too much. Starting in about 6th grade I saw the kids wearing their WWJD bracelets…and t-shirts…and hats…and buttons…and…you get the idea. They wore those letters like a banner, like they were better than me because I wouldn’t wear my faith on a t-shirt. I’ve never disliked an acronym so much in my life. It really annoys me that Jesus was a fad. Because you see, I think it’s a good thing to think about what Jesus would do. Example, you’re about to walk past a homeless person who’s in need of some food, do you walk on by or do you stop and talk and help them. Well, what wouldJesus do? We know that he would stop and talk to the homeless man, find out why he needs food, what he wants and how he could help him. If we were truly doing what Jesus would do we would do the same. And yet, how many teens wearing those four letters did that? it wasn't so much about action as it was about having the cool tshirt.
In a letter that Paul wrote to the Philippians he has this to say about behavior: 12Therefore, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed me, not only in my presence, but much more now in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13for it is God who is at work in you, enabling you both to will and to work for his good pleasure. It seems like this is an old school version of WWJD. Those four letters are a way to help you think about your behavior and what, if anything, you could change. If that is how you look at those four letters, then it's a good thing. My experience is that people didn't use them as a guide, more as status symbol, and that I'm not a huge fan of.
As I have said, I was not a child of WWJD. I didn't own anything with those letters. My childhood Jesus was was not one of T-shirts and buttons, but of songs and stories. I remember one of the songs we used to sing in Sunday school, “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, red and yellow black and white we are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world.” That was my childhood Jesus. One of love for everyone. We were not a house of icons so I didn’t have a picture of Jesus on the wall, but we were a house of words, stories, and songs so I had the image of a guy hanging out with everyone. And that was my childhood Jesus. In the book Borg talks about how when he went to seminary his vision of Jesus changes, he sees a childhood Jesus and an historical Jesus. I have my childhood Jesus, and then I suppose I have my grown up Jesus. You see, I think we are all children of God, and therefore, Jesus loves all of us. Red, yellow, black, white, gay, straight, married, single, young, old and everything in between. I think that even if you don’t accept that Jesus loves you, Jesus loves you. I believe so much in this childhood Jesus that it hurts for me to see people use Jesus to condemn others. I’m sure as I continue to grow up and learn more about Jesus my vision of him will change. Heading off to seminary will no doubt bring about some academic revelations, but I still think that my childhood Jesus, and his take home message, will prove enduring. A few years ago I taught 2nd and 3rd grade bible study. My teaching partner and I decided that if our kids learned nothing else, they would learn to love each other. We thought that if they associated our church, the bible, and Jesus with loving each other that we would have done our job. When you think about how many different kinds of people there are in this world loving everyone seems harder to do that it first appears. It’s the one thing I have consistently tried to do from my childhood into my adulthood. In my opinion it’s the most worthwhile thing that we as Christians can do.

P.S. my friend tom has a friend in seminary who has a tshirt that says "WTFWJD" and my friend diana has a sign that says 'what would jesus drink' hilarious if you ask me :O)

for serious

not 2 minutes after i wrote about how wonderful wednesday was, it went to shit and was stressful until i left for my doctors appointment at 3:30 which was also stressful because i was leaving the staff kinda short handed and i feel bad about that, but i needed to get my prescription so i left. so tonight i went to see dar williams at the state and she was awesome! our seats were in the 4th row, she played 'after all', 'the christians and the pagans', 'the babysitters here', 'spring street'. just amazing and she told really funny stories. there's a song about jesus camp that i neeeeeeed to find and play at a fish talent show. hilarious. i think this year i'll bust out 'christians and the pagans' for the christmas show. ha. good stuff. so my shitty middle of the day was totally won over by an amazing show. dar was awesome, my friend d went with me and we had fun, he told me some great (but creepy) stories and i ran into a friend who wants me to babysit her kids(= easy money and they're super fun anyway). and while i was sitting there listening to dar sing some fantastic song i got an idea of what to write for my little meditation thing for agape on thursday night(it's really a short sermon, but it freaks me out to call it that) so i'm writing that right now and i think i'll be posting those things each time i write them, every other week, just to put up what i'm doing and get some feedback (that means someone other than jess needs to comment.not that i don't love jessica's comments, cause i do, but come on. i know you're reading. i can see you)

oh two other fun things, i found out i get a free gym membership! yay! and two of my friends just joined the same gym so i'll have workout buddies some days and guilt me into working out buddies all the time :O)

i also made an appointment with a therapist next week. i'm trying to be excited, but right now i'm just a little scared. i have this terrible vision of going in there and either a)crying the whole time or b)cracking jokes so i don't revert to a and therefore not actually talking about what life is like right now and not getting any help. i would be, as my little brother likes to say, 'taking the easy way out'. and i'm not going to do that! it's time to commit to starting to fix rachel. i have all these things going for me, it will be all sorts of good :O)

ok. back to jesus.

peace yo

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

now, i'm sure that the day could go horribly, horribly wrong at any moment, but for right now it is spectacular.

*tonight is the dar williams show
*the high today is like 73 and it's not humid at all (yay fall)
*i just found out that a grant was renewed which means that i get to keep my job until i'm ready to leave state college! wahoooooooooooo

gross

actual, serious comment by a coworker today:

'you want me to talk to her so i can impart my knowledge'

and she was not joking, not humble, just like. well yeah, i am brilliant and i shall pass on my brilliance to you peons who know nothing. now. yes. she's had this job at least 5 years longer than those of us who were supposed to be gleaning pearls of wisdom from her. but i would like to say that there are other people who know much more than i do and who manage to pass that information on to me in a way that doesn't make me what to vomit all over them.

is this day over?

update: i had forgotten that she also said, in reference to her imparting her knowledge 'well it's kind of a mother thing, i can do it for them or i can show them how to do it and they can learn from me'

ef you and the horse you rode in on.

boooooo

it's a heck of a day

so here's a picture i took of a flower in mom's garden a few summers ago.

thought of the night

Take time to listen to what is said without words, to obey the law too subtle to be written, to worship the unnameable and to embrace the uninformed. Lao Tzu

tomorrow there will be more posting...but i woke up around 3am and couldn't get back to sleep till around 4:30 and then was super super busy at work today. so i'm going to bed. i've been working on the worship part of agape and struggling a little bit with it. i've never planned a worship service before. even though it's only got to be like 15-20 minutes long it's still a little stressful to find prayers, pick something from the lectionary that i want to write about, pick songs that go with the text, oh and figure out what the heck i'm going to say. yikes.

had a great weekend hanging out with the other FISH leaders, we're reading a great book called 'contemplative youth ministry' just super stuff about being present and open to receive the kids we work with and being yourself and using that as your witness to jesus instead of trying to talk them into religion. (i hope that all made sense. i'm exhausted)

i rode my bike over to target tonight, it's really not that far but it felt so good to be riding my bike instead of getting in my car and driving. i will definitely be riding around more. in addition to feeling better because i'm not driving, it helps me only buy what i need to buy because i have to fit it in my backpack and ride home with it.

ok. i've rambled on and on...i really am off to bed soon :) happy monday everyone!

a couple quick updates

sorry i haven't posted in a few days, it's been a touch stressful/busy this past week. so i'll catch you up and then bitch about something that's bugging me. you're all so lucky ;O)

* it was really good that e,j and i went to the funeral. the family really appreciated us coming down and my aunt was just floored that we came. i also found out that my dad's siblings are planning to come to state college when he gets home from the hospital (!!!!) aunt leanna gave us a ton of university of kentucky stuff to bring home. including an 8 foot tall inflatable kentucky wildcat that we can proudly display on our front porch for all of pine grove mills to see. mom was THRILLED. dad was pretty upset all weekend, i think the combination of uncle d dying of cancer related stuff and dad not being well enough to travel and getting bumped to number 2 (see below) had him all kinds of emotionally screwed up. i mean, i'm sure all of us at one point or another thought about dad's cancer and death together during the weekend. even though he should be fine after the transplant.

* dad is currently number 2 on the liver transplant list! this is exciting, scary and confusing. it's not something that can really be scheduled or even like a heads up given, so that's been kinda tough for me. apparently the guy that's currently at #1 has been there for about a month. the doc's think sometime in the next month he'll get his liver and then expect to do dad's by the end of the year. which means that there is a chance i'll be out of town when it happens, but i just have to take that chance i guess. i'm going down to lancaster in october to check out a seminary, and heading to richmond, va in november. i'll have to plan about atlanta and chicago some more.

this whole thing is really stressing me out. i just feel so out of control about everything. sigh. lisa said that the whole thing is a little like giving birth. you can prepare and prepare, but you don't know for sure when it's going to happen. so mom and i were joking about packing our 'labor bags' so that we'll be ready when it actually does happen and we can just grab our bags and head out. i was reading a blog that i really do like and there was a post that i found just ridiculous for many reasons(i'll rant about that another day), so i was reading the 92 comments that people had posted and one of them talked about all the mixed emotions that you have as a caregiver. and he said he had read books and stuff. so i was like, oh yeah, there could be books i could read to help me with my freaking out! my fantastic coworker is also subtly(and not so subtly) encouraging me to go to a therapist, but i'm not quite there yet. i got phone numbers yesterday. maybe next week i can call. all i know is that i can't live like i am right now for another 4 months. i mean, 4 months doesn't seem like a long time, but i can't fathom being sane in 4 months if i don't get some sort of help soon. and that's probably one of the hardest things i've had to admit ever.
ok. this was going to be shorter...i even removed the 'and a rant' part of the title. oh well. i'm off to a retreat all weekend. so shitty cell service till sunday around 1. i'll be checking my messages--from the parking lot at the pool house--so leave one if you want and i'll be back on the computer on sunday. to think less than 10 years ago i didn't have a cellphone and i could have cared less if i checked my email. oy.

ok...happy notre dame beatdown weekend!

LETS GO PSU!

question for the people

what is anyone reading right now?
i recently bought 'meeting jesus again for the first time' by marcus borg. i'm planning to start it tonight.

i read harry potter all summer long, so this is my acknowledgment that it's no longer summer and i need to read something non fiction-y.

anyone reading anything good?

go here and post!

hey, time magazine did a cover story about community service. they have a place where you can post what you do/did in regards to community service. i posted, all you b2 peeps should go post!

http://time-blog.com/talkback/comservice.php

and even if you weren't in americorps but you feel like community service is important you should post too!

i'll post more later...i need to go take a bat survey :O)

hugs

so yeah

hey everyone, here is my first real mass update over blog, we'll see how it works. i hope you all get to spend at least a little time away from work/school this weekend, and enjoy doing whatever it is you do (reference? anyone?)

on a much less fun and uplifting note, my uncle passed away today so i'll be leaving state college to head down to kentucky thursday night or friday morning. i'll be back in town and with email probably monday. i'm staying with my brother who doesn't have internet at his place (i know! they're living in a cabin in west virginia right now, so i guess i can't expect internet)and then going down to KY with e and his wife to the viewing/funeral. i haven't been to one of these since my grandfather died 5 years ago. i'm thinking it's going to be kinda tough, so happy thoughts, prayers, good vibes/karma, whatever it is you do, send it my way this weekend. my uncle lived a good life, and he lived probably 5 years longer than the doctors thought he would live. he went into hospice last week so we were just kinda waiting. i guess that makes it better, but still pretty sad. i am glad that eli and justine and i can go down to the funeral. i think my dad is taking it pretty hard that he can't be there, but i know he's happy that we will be there. i hope that makes sense. i've spent the whole night on the phone and trying to figure out what i'm doing so i'm kinda spent at this point. ok. i'm going to try and do a little packing before bed. i love you all, have a great weekend and i'll email or something when i get back to civilization next week.

central pennsylvania at its finest

so in a few days pennsylvania will shut down it's gun database. they use the database to check and see if you are allowed to have a gun before you can buy it. so for 4 days in 2007 people won't be able to buy guns.well and as the article points you, you can buy a gun, but you can't take it home with you till after the system is back up and running. so this morning i was listening to the local am station and they were talking about this whole issue and apparently people are freaking out. i guess the shutdown is going to hit during dove and canada geese season (they have a dove and canada geese season?!?!?!?!) so this morning people called into the radio show to talk about why they were pissed. so of course the one guy i hear talk decides to go the slippery slope route- if it's 4 days then next time it will be 4 months! and the radio guys were like, look, don't make that argument it makes you sound like a raving lunatic. and the guy says fine. and then makes the same exact argument for 5 more minutes. sigh. now this guy said nothing about the hunting season this will infringe on or anything like that. just 'it's our right and you're taking it away for 4 days'. i mean really. come on, it's 4 freaking days!! give it up! if you really need a gun in those 4 days, go to a gun show and buy one illegally off of a guy in the parking lot. you'll still get your weapon, and really if you neeeeed it and can't wait 4 days, you probably weren't going to do anything legal with it anyway, so why do you care.

a quote from my new favorite website www.overheadinnewyork.com
White boy #1: Hey, do you watch wresting?
White boy #2: No, I'm not that white

haha...happy tuesday!

he finally got it right!

George Bush, asked if he could speak French: No, I can't. I can barely speak English.

feeling blah

so i guess i have a case of the mondays. i just feel blah and i don't really know why. I spent the weekend moving and starting to unpack and doing laundry. i realized that even though i got rid of a bunch of stuff when i moved, that i should get rid of even more. a lot of it is stuff i just need to commit to. i have tons of memento type stuff that i need to put in scrapbooks, but i'm not making the time to make those scrapbooks. and if i'm not going to make the scrapbooks then i just need to toss the stuff. i did that with a bunch of my americorps tshirts, i took pictures of the logo's and i'm going to print the pic's out and make a collage. so i don't have the tshirts, but still can remember the events. i think i'm also feeling shitty about food and what i look like and how it seems so easy. just eat healthier things and exersize more and you'll feel better, you'll be happier with yourself, and you'll end up looking better. so why is it so fucking hard to do? and it always comes down to me. what is so wrong with me that i can't do this? i don't know why this is all coming up right now. i don't usually have such a defeated attitude and i don't know why i have one now.
i should be happy. i'm finally moved into my new place, the semester is about to start and i'm doing some freaking amazing things with some great people. i'm finding some great seminary information. this morning i went upstairs and EJ was standing in the living room wearing underwear, a tiara and a plastic silver and pink gemstone necklace(she's 3 and a half). and she says 'rachel, i'm wearing panties.' how can you go to work and have a bad day after that? it was so cute. and yet here i am. just crying for no real reason in the middle of the day. i guess it just happens sometimes.

it's not easy being green

sometimes, because i live in a tiny little town with a tiny little npr affiliate there is a plethora of classical music on their station. and so in order to hear people talking (which i like) i have to listen to the more conservative radio station that hosts such blowhards as glenn beck, bill o'reilly and sean hannity. now, i can usually stand it for about 15 minutes and then i have to change the station or start yelling at the radio. this morning glenn beck was talking about how stupid we all are to want to use ethanol. that we would need a corn field the size of texas to be able to produce enough ethanol to sustain our current gasoline usage,so why even try. apparently he was also complaining about taking the corn away from the cows but some farmers called in to say there's an ethanol byproduct that is almost totally protein that the ethanol peeps sell to farmers to give to their cows (not sure if it's cheaper than corn, but it's more efficient). so glenn's still up in arms about it and here is where i get annoyed. first of all, why are we trying to sustain our current usage? shouldn't we all be trying to cut back on our energy usage? and even if we can't totally rely on the ethanol, it would help us to rely less on foreign oil, no? why is this a bad thing? another stupid thing these people were saying (this is a few days ago) is that we shouldn't have people ride bikes. because if you ride your bike more you'll eat more beef and we'll have to raise more cattle which take more energy so it's inefficient and we might as well all drive everywhere. argh. i don't understand how you can argue against saving the environment! how is using less fossil fuels a bad thing? my brother builds big wind farms so that we can use more wind energy. it's totally clean energy, and people fight his company all the time. like the wind turbines they want to put in martha's vineyard. the rich people are freaking out (still) about it. not only would they be barely visible, they're producing 100% clean energy. HOW IS THIS BAD??!!!???!!! i know that i'm just one person. and my little one person contribution to recycling, biking and using less energy aren't going to save the environment, but if we all did it, it would add up. and i just don't understand why you would argue against that.

see

this shit is why christians get a bad name. sigh.

rambling, not ranting :O)

so i was thinking about my ranting last night after the board meeting. and my issue isn't with the language. i swear. when i'm pissed, i swear a lot. and i know i need to cut down on that as i go to seminary, but that's my thing. i guess my issue was more with those feminists cutting down others because they disagreed with them and dared to say what they were thinking. this is also my issue with people like bill o'reilly and glen beck and their ilk. if you don't agree with them you're an idiot and they can call you whatever they want. just like The Coworker said, it's more about feminists cutting down other feminists for no good reason. just because i am a different kind of feminist than you doesn't make one of us a better feminist. sigh. sometimes i just want to be all hippy and say 'can't we all just get along'.

anyway, i did some quick searches and found a few essays on feminism and chiristianity, they're interesting so i thought i'd link to them here....

http://www.womenwriters.net/may2001/biblebeltfeminist.html
http://www.womenwriters.net/may2001/biblebeltfeminist2.htm

ranty mcranterson

During the course of my day I usually have some downtime. Yes I could be doing something but really it’s nice to have a little break now and then. So when I have downtime I read some mainstream blogs some of them I’ve linked to on this blog, some I have not. A lot of the blogs are feminst in nature because I do work at a feminist organization, and frequently they’ll have posts that are relevant to my job. One of the problems I have with these sites is that there doesn’t seem to be any tolerance for Christianity. I will grant you that most of the people who write in to the bloggers, or the groups they’re talking about are much more conservative than I am and are also much more evangelical that I am. I’m much more of a lead your life as an example of Christianity instead of a beat you over the head with my belief system type person. As a very liberal person I have a hard time feeling like my religion is respected. It’s almost as if because I believe in Jesus and God I’ve been duped into something and I’ll come around later. I really get sick of this patronizing attitude and it definitely turns me off to some of the more progressive sites. One of the websites I usually read is feministing dot com. It’s just a bunch of ‘feminist’ stories and some really are feminist issues, some are just people complaining about things and making anything that involves women a feminist issue (which I suppose you could argue, but I feel like that’s gratuitous). So the founder of this website wrote a book called ‘full frontal feminism’ it’s supposed to make feminism hip/cool/appealing for the younger kids who think ‘feminism’ is not a good thing. So we got this book at the center and I started reading it and it’s so hard to read. Now, I know that I tend to curse like a sailor, but this book puts me to shame. I understand where the anger comes from. It sucks that women have faced injustices and that they continue to do so. It sucks that I make less than a man would (still) it sucks that I have to pay for birth control but Viagra is a covered prescription it sucks that women are blamed for rape. Sometimes it sucks. I had started this book in the hopes of being able to recommend it to the high school kids that I work with, or even the young college kids that I’m going to be working with. And I just can’t do it. Which brings me to the reason I felt the need to vent. Apparently the author did a reading from the book and it was on tv. So a bunch of people saw it and emailed her to comment on the appearance. Some people were upset about the use of cuss words and felt that it was uncalled for, others were saying anti feminist things, others were worried about her soul. Blah blah blah. The usual crap. So she posts these comments on her site and ridicules everyone who wrote them to her. And then the people who read the site commented on that post and again ridiculed the people who wrote them. This is frustrating on so many levels. I am a feminist and a Christian. And I don’t feel like I need to pick between the two. I am also pretty darn liberal and a Christian and I don’t feel like I need to pick between those two either. And yet in the liberal sphere there’s pressure to not be a Christian and in some parts(not my church but others) there is significant pressure to be conservative. So I guess I wrote this because I’m disappointed. Disappointed that there’s not a book that I can give to my sister to show her feminism is cool, that people can’t respect each other and each others opinions, that I have to defend my Christianity/feminism/liberalism all the time.

I’ll step down from the soapbox.