TGIF

holy crap. i don't think i've ever been more ready for a friday. it's been a long, stressful, emotional week and i am all done.

dad goes to the hospital for check ups pretty much every week. so mom has to take a day a week off to cart him up there and hang out and bring him back. they're mostly uneventful, one trip he got to go down and say hi to the cicu nurses and one in particular who was just awesome when he was in the hospital, sometime soon he wants to visit his rehab nurses, he says hi to all the doc's that helped him and he gets blood taken and people look at the liver to be sure it's ok.

dad's liver enzyme levels have been high and the doctors haven't been able to figure out why. he's had a biopsy in the past 2 weeks that looked fine, he's had an ultrasound on the liver that is fine, he's feeling fine (at least from what they tell me), but the enzyme level is high. so he went to the hospital wednesday and i called mom on my way home from FISH to ask how it all went. apparently they think that since dad has been on so many anti rejection meds it has allowed the hep c to build back up in his body. it's so frustrating because before the surgery the doctors were saying that the disease rarely affects the liver the same way after the surgery and that it all but disappears. i mean for the love of all that's sacred, he doesn't have his own liver, he doesn't have a drop of his own blood left in his body, come on! so mom said they are figuring out what drugs to put him on, one of the ones they're considering is a drug he was on right after he got diagnosed. he was on it for a year and it didn't really help anything and in fact made him incredibly sick for the whole year. he wasn't hungry, didn't really drive, slept most of the time, felt nauseous, just had no real quality of life. he went off the drugs after a year and then did a bunch of holistic healing kind of stuff with diet and supplements and whatnot before he got cancer. primary liver cancer in the absence of hep c is extremely rare, so the disease led to the cancer. which led to almost dying and 2 liver transplants in 1 week. i don't think i can do that again, i don't know if dad's body could do that again.

i'm trying to not get too upset. mom's not sure about what drugs they'll put him on and they haven't seen any of the cancer coming back. but it's all so real and so close. he just came home from the hospital on december 22.

sigh. sorry for the depressing blog post. if you need a laugh you should go to nbc.com and check out the weekend update video's from last week's snl. the tina fey on update and mike huckabee update clips are pretty darn funny.

i hope you all have a lovely weekend!
r

new book!

so i'm reading 'the year of living biblically. one man's humble quest to follow the bible as literally as possible' by a.j. jacobs. i just started it, mom read it first and then passed it on to me. i saw some interviews with the author when it first came out and it sounded hilarious, so i'm jazzed to read it. in addition to the big rules of the bible (the 10 commandments) he also tried to follow some other rules: stoning adulterers, he avoided wearing clothing made of mixed fibers, learned to play a ten string harp, etc.. there's a great page that shows a bunch of pictures of him as he grows his beard and the intro to the book talks about the reactions he gets from people on the street regarding said beard. it's pretty awesome. i'm super excited to read the book, and i'm sure i will post some amusing bits of it as i read. i'd recommend it already, this guy is pretty freaking funny.

i hope you're all having a great week. the karma thing is still sitting with me, and natron, i'm with you on the viewing it in the context of a lifetime or a bunch of lifetimes, but part of that is hard because then it doesn't matter how much of a good person you are you can still get screwed if you were hitler in a past life. but then isn't that what believing in predestination is kind of like? it doesn't matter what you choose, you already have a plan laid out for you so no decision you make is truly your own. you're deciding what has already been decided. oh that sort of thing makes my head hurt.

i'm off to bed. it's damn cold here in central pennsylvania. so i'm going to get under a million blankets and read and fall asleep.
time for bed marmalade.

karma

The philosophical explanation of karma can differ slightly between traditions, but the general concept is basically the same. It is usually understood as a sum of all that an individual has done, is currently doing and will do. The results or 'fruits' of actions are called karma-phala. Karma is not about retribution, vengeance, punishment or reward; karma simply deals with what is. The effects of all deeds actively create past, present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to them and others.- wikipedia

i've been thinking about karma the past few days. i find that when something bad happens to someone who is not a good person then i'm quick to say 'it's karma'. and i'm totally cool with that explanation, you know, if you're a bad person then the universe will conspire and probably not so good things will happen in your life. but what if you're a good person and bad things happen to you? and this happens ALL THE TIME. one of our high school kids had his house burn down, he's a good kid, his family is a good family, so why? that's not karma. i think i need the universe to make some sort of sense. there is so much pain and sadness in this world and there needs to be a reason. is it growth? to produce strength? to teach someone a lesson? make us pay more attention to what's going on in our life? i just don't know. i think that's where faith comes in, that's where my belief in a loving god helps me to make sense of it. or at least make peace with what i cannot make sense of.

for those christians out there it's the season of lent, and i get a devotional emailed to me every day. today's message was about having the strength to talk about god in every day life. to every day people.

"These days, speaking truth about God may not get you killed, but it sure will earn you some funny looks. In some crowds, they call you names like "religious fanatic," "Jesus freak," "ignorant." In others, saying true things gets you called "heretic," "unbeliever," "sinner." But as in Jesus' time, in every crowd--in every crowd--there will be those for whom your words will be like living water. Those who have been waiting for a long, parched time. Those for whom the things you say will be cool, and clear, and will go down like a long swig of salvation.

Some things never change: true things about God are always dangerous. Saying them is not easy. It will almost always get you in trouble. And the world is full of thirsty people."

i talk about god and my faith a lot on this blog. it's very much a part of who i am, more so today than at any point in past. i appreciate those who may disagree with me or who just think i'm wrong about some things reading anyway.

this post really didn't make any sense. there are two things weighing heavy on my mind right now, one would be the bad person/bad things the other a good person/bad things. trying to make it all make sense in my head.

it's not about you!

as most of you know i volunteer with the college kids at my church, we meet weekly to have dinner, sing songs, and have some fantastic discussion, theological and non theological. last week we were talking about (among other things) mission trips. one of the people in the group said that he didn't really get anything out of mission trips because he didn't get to know people and didn't know that he was really doing anything that was helping them. now, our mission trips are much like our americoprs projects were like: you get an assignment, show up, do the work, get a tshirt and go home. you are plugging in to an organization that is there all the time. you are merely a servant. a conduit through which God is working to get things done (ha). now, to take this to heart and to really embody it is very humbling. it is truly understand that it's not about you. who you are is unimportant, that you have been called that place and are able to accomplish the task at hand, that is the important part. when i was doing my 60 mile breast cancer walk people would ask me why i was walking, and the answer was as simple as this: i was walking because i could. it was something i felt was important and it was something i could do that others couldn't do. i'm rambling. the point of all of this is that it's not always all about you. some things in your life should be: your wedding day, graduation, your birthday (well this should also be a bit about your parents, but mostly about you), any kind of performance, you know. but doing service work should not be about you! ideally you have some sort of sponsor or organization you are working with that does a little service learning, so you're not doing the work in a bubble, but come on! for some of us service is a weekend thing, or a one year thing, but for others of us it's a lifetime commitment, a lifetime calling of serving other people in various ways, and that work that we are called to do isn't about us. ask any teacher, preacher, counselor, doctor, parent (you get the idea!) and they will tell you, it's not about them, it's about helping other people. of course you are part of that equation, but you're not the most important part.

::exhales, steps off the soapbox and surveys the fields of crickets around her::

ok. i'm all done. happy sunday! hope you all enjoyed a lovely and restful weekend and are all geared up for the week ahead!
q

it's drinkin' time

ok, so we're hanging out and drinking tomorrow night and we're trying to figure out something fun to drink. once amy and i had southern blues at zeno's and the recipie is simple, southern comfort and blackberry schnapps, so i was thinking of having that. any suggestions?
cheers!

happy snow day

we are having yet another snow day here in central PA. of course, i don't get the days off, but my housemate and little brother do. it makes me jealous :O) anyway, i'm at work slaving away on some super SUPER exciting data entry! wahoo! i'm also listening to 'the golden compass' on my ipod. anyone read it? kerrie? it's very interesting. and it's an unabridged version that has actors doing the different parts and the author as the narrator. so i'm certain that all the bizzaro words are being said correctly and they all have lovely british accents. if you close your eyes you can pretend to be in england. happy sigh.

it's been a long and exhausting week and i'm happy for the weekend to be here. i have loads of fun things to do this weekend, prayer shawl meeting, perhaps a bit of the deacons auction and then a sleepover with some friends from work. we're going to drink too much and hang out and try to de stress. i think i'll have to commit to going to the late church service on sunday. or maybe i'll just drink early and drink often and get to bed with enough time to make it to the 9am service.

hope you all have spectacular weekend plans!
love and hugs
r

oh! 100th post!

wow, i had 100 things to say. that's crazy! thanks for staying with me through 100 mundane posts!

i went to st louis this past weekend and checked out eden seminary (www.eden.edu) everyone there was amazingly nice, they were all very welcoming and didn't just talk about how great their school was. there were about 25ish prospective students there, it's weird because i feel like i'm one of the younger students, even though there were a handful that were just out of college. i still feel like that's my age range. in my head i guess i'm still about 23. i found out that i'd have loans if i went to school there (probably about 25-40 grand range) even after an automatic tuition grant (read scholarship) and i found out that if i go to richmond or louisville that i probably wouldn't have to take out any or very minimal (like 10 grand) in loans. this is because the school in st louis, and the school i'm going to visit in lancaster, are united church of christ seminaries and richmond and louisville are both presbyterian. and since i'm presbyterian, they pull out the stops to get me to go there. apparently they are both well endowed and use that to be persuasive. so money won't be the final deciding factor, but i'd be lying if i didn't say it was important.

um. so that's it. i'm getting over the flu (or at least what my mom tells me was the flu) so i'm pretty exhausted right now. i went to starbucks this morning for some coffee and got a fun quote on my mug, so i'll end with that. thanks for reading!
"childhood is a strange country. it's a place you come from or go to- at least in your mind. for me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. it's like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you're dizzy".

happy wednesday! to all of you not in state college, i miss you! lots of love and hugs
raquel

yikes!

so occasionally i have to help write the program for the high school kids, and well i am just doing it right now, for tomorrow night! wahoo! so we're going to watch the sarah mclachlan video** for the song 'world on fire' and talk about the serivce that we do and the problems we see in the world and in our smaller community. anyway, i figured i'd post the lyrics, you can find the video by just going to you tube and searching for 'world on fire'. good stuff! have a great day!

World on Fire, Sarah McLachlan

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in

[Chorus]
The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able

I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone

[Chorus]

Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some

** in the video she breaks down the cost for a routine music video and takes that money and says how much of a difference it could make in a third world country. she breaks it down to specific things in specific countries (one example is something like $200 for music playback on the set would provide schooling for 10 afgani kids. it's definitely a good watch.

not how you want to start a monday morning

so i was exhausted this morning, i was dogsitting and my brother didn't get into town until 1am to pick the dog up last night. so i'm driving to work, mostly oblivious because i drive this road every day of my life, and then there's this big noise. so this lady in a lexus suv rear ended me. and it wasn't bad, we were stopped and then she took her foot off the brake and her car hit mine. so i pull off onto a street to just check out the back of my car. and i'm totally in shock that someone just hit me, and she pulls over too and gets out of her car and is immediately like 'oh it's fine, it looks fine, i mean check it out but i think it's fine' so i'm in shock a bit, and i was like oh um yes it's ok. and we do this for a minute and she tells me that she was putting hand lotion on and not really paying attention and took her foot off the brake blah blah. so the only thing wrong with my car is that the bumper is a bit dented, no big deal for a 9 year old car. but i was so shaken up. i cried all the way to work and then called my mom who got frustrated with me because i didn't get this ladies name and insurance information (because she was saying it was fine and i would have had to be confrontational to get her info, or at least that's how i perceive it). and now i'm at work still and i just want to go to bed. i feel crappy, i just want to keep crying, and i kind of want to find the lexus lady and punch her because she didn't just offer her info. ;alfimaoefmaifea.

sigh. not a good omen for the day.
i hope that everyone else had a lovely (and uneventful) morning commute.
back to my tea and phone calls...

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life you could save.
--Mary Oliver--

I copied this from my friends blog, i think that it really accurately describes where i am in my life right now. i know what i need to do, i know that i need to get out of state college, i just need to do it. and the doing of it is really painful and difficult. at therapy yesterday i was talking about all the things that i know are true, and how i wish i had a magic button to push and then everything that i knew would just magically happen. i'd be happier, i'd be able to say no, i could engage in conflict and not be scared, i would like myself more and i'd be able to sustain mountain kriya with the complete breath.

sorry for the depressing posts back to back. i'm really in high gear with the application process, so i think that's bringing up a lot of stuff, plus i'm doing therapy and yoga and i think that combination is just unblocking a lot of old pent up emotions and feelings. yes. i am a total hippy.

ok. back to work! for lent this year i'm purging stuff, i'm trying to get down to just the basic stuff that i really need, and that is going for my office too. so i'm in the middle of cleaning things out and re-organizing my space.

enjoy your ash wednesday!

rach

weekend quotes...

i'm busy working on seminary applications, lots of essays and reference info, and i need to do my taxes so i can do my fasfa AND it's superbowl sunday. so here are two quotes from this weekend, they're super super different, but both things that i'm working on right now.

the first is from 'the sopranos' --"depression is rage turned inward" i've been struggling with feeling like i need to acknowledge that i'm probably depressed. i think i am busy enough to not really notice it all the time, but whenever i stop for any period of time and think, it's just not good. my supervisor about a month ago told me that i should get angry more often, or more accurately, i should express my anger more often. it's something i struggle with, anger was not a productive emotion in my house when i was growing up, and this line from the sopranos really made me think about getting that anger out and not just swallowing it, and that the past 27 years of trying to not be angry is part of my depression.

so the second quote was from the sermon this morning at church. today we talked about the transfiguration of the lord; matthew 17: 1-9. naturally it was a jesus heavy sermon but i think you could substitute god for jesus in the following quote and have the same effect. our pastor said "for how will jesus' light shine if it does not shine through you." i loved the implied challenge of living a good christian life full of love and acceptance and service. for me that's how jesus' light shines through me and on my life, when i'm working with kids- college kids, teenagers, little kids, anyone. that chance to be present with them and rejoice in them as people and the being that god created is just spectacular.

i hope you're all having a lovely sunday. i'm going to be working on the following question all day i think...

"in light of jesus' parable of the rich man and lazarus (luke 16: 19-31) what role, if any, do you think the judgement of god plays in the gospel of grace?"

the other option is to write about a book that has influenced my faith...hmmmm maybe that would be easier!

happy february!