you say goodbye, i say hello...

hey everyone! i'm starting a new blog! i'll stop posting on if it wasn't for the coffee and eventually when i figure out how to archive it and take it offline i'll do that. keep it as just a record of the journey of the past year of my life. in order to really honor the changes in my life i've started a new blog. you can find it here...

http://seekingtheperfectionthatabsorbs.blogspot.com/

there's an explanation of the name there and i'll start posting stuff pretty soon. just as soon as i get some things cleaned up and packed up. i move to richmond on tuesday the 2nd. wahoooo!

love and hugs...r

i am from...

I'm not sure if I've ever blogged this before or not. The poem pre-dates my blogging, so I suppose I haven't put it up here. There is a writing prompt that you fill in the blanks, you can find it here, just scroll down a little bit and you'll see it. Anyway, I am cleaning out my computer and I found my poem, thought I'd share it...

I am from laundry baskets

From diet coke and garden vegetables.

I am from the white house with the stone porch.

From old plaster walls, dirty siding and too much history.

I am from the lilac tree and the struggling sapling

From summer thunderstorms watched through my screen window.

I am from derby day and headaches

From Anderson and Paige and Clarke.

I am from the protagonist and the peacemaker.

From “why isn’t this right?” and “this isn’t good enough”

To “I’m so proud of you.”

I am from “Jesus loves me this I know” to Sunday school in the tower room.

From dialogue, disagreement, respect, faith and love.

I am from Russell County and Rutland County

From pecan pie to bourbon balls.

From the ag lab at ohio state to the furniture store in Tennessee

The mistaken identity of an older sister

And the 3^rd grade lesson I will never forget.

I am from albums #3,4,5 and 6, but not 1 or 2.

From baby tap shoes to used walking shoes, with many pairs of sandals in between.

I am from these memories and so much more.

From place and time and feeling and thought

To prayer and celebration and peace and love.

dmb

Bartender

If I go before I’m old
Oh brother of mine please don’t forget me if I go
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free, after three days in the ground

Oh and if I die before my time
Oh sweet sister of mine please don’t regret me if I go
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free after three days in the ground
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free after three days in the ground

I’m on bended knee I pray Bartender please
Oh when I was young I didn’t think about it,
But now I can’t get it out of my mind
I’m on bended knee please father please

Oh if all this gold, should steal my soul away
Oh dear mother of mine, please redirect me if this gold
Bartender you see, this wine that’s drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from the devil’s tree roots
Deep deep in the ground

Bartender you see, this wine that’s drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from the devil’s tree roots
Deep deep in the ground
I’m on bended knee I pray Bartender please
I’m on bended knee please mama please
Oh when I was young I didn’t think about it,
But now I just want to run and hide
I’m on bended knee Bartender please

sad news

from the dmb website...

08/19/2008

We are deeply saddened that LeRoi Moore, saxophonist and founding member of Dave Matthews Band, died unexpectedly Tuesday afternoon, August 19, 2008, at Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center in Los Angeles from sudden complications stemming from his June ATV accident on his farm near Charlottesville, Virginia. LeRoi had recently returned to his Los Angeles home to begin an intensive physical rehabilitation program.

almost over!

I’m sitting in my office, the office I’ve inhabited for 40 hours a week for the past two and a half years. I’ve gone through my drawers, recycled about a forest worth of paper and shredded about a meadow. I’ve sat in this chair and listened to the stories of survivors of indescribable pain. I’ve helped people get money, helped them get protection, and I’ve told them there’s nothing I can do. It’s an intense job, full of ups and downs, of never knowing if you’ve done enough, never knowing if the person who walks out of your office will be alive tomorrow. I guess in some ways that’s always true. You never know what will happen to people, I guess the chances of someone walking out of my office and being killed are just higher than with other jobs. I’ve been lucky to not have a client killed in my interim here. It’s something that I try to pretend doesn’t happen. That sure these people get stalked, beat up, raped, screamed at, and almost killed, but they don’t ever get killed. I thank God each day I wake up and there isn’t a fatality. It’s hard work, but it’s important work. We live in a society that is filled with an attitude of entitlement, where women are still second class citizens in a lot of ways. It needs to change and there are people all over the world trying to make those changes. To impact their corner of the world in a positive way. I’m a little overwhelmed as I tie up my loose ends and prepare to leave this life. It’s all I’ve known for three years and it will be a huge change of every part of my life after I move. I’m sad to leave, but I know it’s time to go. I was home at the right time, able to help my family through my dad’s illness, able to be supported by my church family and my fantastic friends, but it’s time to go. The constant trauma work is getting to me, has been for quite a while but I was able to just push it all away for a long time. Now I know that I need to be done. I’ve been contemplating what I’m going to do for money while I’m at seminary and there’s a domestic violence center there that I’ve thought about working for, but I look at my life and how impacted I’ve become and I know that I cannot do this kind of work for a while. I may return someday, and I know that it would be worthwhile and fulfilling, but it’s just not time now. I need a break, a job where the worst outcome isn’t death. I’m off to a party for work and then I have Monday off. Wahoo! My last day at the office is the 22^nd, I can’t believe that it’s almost here.

“Take the truth wherever you find it, including the past, and move forward bravely, and keep in mind that God loves you” Garrison Keillor

wahoo!

i'll stick to ice cream...

a new fun blog!

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

lots of hilariously awful cakes :O)
bad grammar, ugly, totally inappropriate, stuuuuuupid cake decorators, you name it! it's highly amusing :O)

one week...

one week from today will be my last day of work. it's a bit strange, thinking about cleaning my office out and leaving behind my life of 3 years. i've been looking into jobs down in richmond and have thought briefly about doing domestic violence work again, but i don't think i could handle that emotionally. i need a break from trauma work, maybe something mindless like being a barista or a shelving books at a library or bookstore. that i can handle. ok. work of some sort is calling me. happy friday everyone! don't forget to watch the olympics this weekend! go phelps!

oh oh oh...olympics!

i just wanted to take a moment to convey my undying love, admiration, astonishment, awe and wonder for michael phelps. in athens i loved him. i thought he was a spectacular swimmer, thought he was an adorable kid, and quite possibly a superhero. (can't you see a cape on the back of his tiny speedo? no? ok then.) so i missed a bunch of the olympics while i was in cali and just got to see my first races live last night and monday night. he's unreal. he's more gifted and dedicated in his pinkie that i will ever be at anything in my life. it's so freaking awesome what he's doing. i swear, every time he swims i get a little teary at the history he's making. he's just demolishing his competition. i think i read that in each individual gold medal race he's won this year he's set a new world record. i mean holy crap. and he does it in more than one stroke. i might have to find a 'michael phelps fan club' tshirt and buy it. that's how much i love him.

ok. i'm done. happy wednesday!
r

notes on the conference

hey kids, here are some pearls of wisdom from the conference...

"Whenever we shortchange ourselves, what are we saying about God?"

"The church does not know how to deal with human sexuality...Why won't the church tell us 'God made our bodies and they are good'"

"Technical Virgin: I've had anal sex, oral sex, I don't know, feet sex. But not intercourse, so I'm a technical virgin"

"You can't be a dooer of justice if you're afraid to be wrong"

"The things we regret most in our lives are the risks we don't take"

"Relax. Enjoy. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is life. Enjoy"

"Don't say I can't do this. Say 'I can't do this by myself'"

hola

hey everyone! back from cali! i had a fantastic time at the conference, met some great people, went to some fantastic workshops, had a blast being tourist-y in san francisco. and now i'm back home. i'm totally exhausted, my sleep is a little wonky from the 3 hour time change, my last day of work is next friday (!!!!!) and i have lots too do! so i'm a touch overwhelmed. my plan is to try and write a real post on the conference tonight, we'll see. i only got about 5 hours of sleep last night and i woke up at 8am, which felt like 5am. yawn. yawn. yawn.

later kids!
r

little blog break...

hey everyone! i'm going to san francisco for the national network of presbyterian college women's conference on 'the power of poverty. i'll be gone the 6-10, back in state college sometime during the morning of the 11th. (yay redeye) it's my first trip to california and i'm super excited! the keynote speaker is a spectacular woman and i'm jazzed to see a new city! i'll be taking my camera but probably not my laptop. if i have it i'll blog, if not i'm sure i'll handwrite some blog entries and then i'll post them when i get back. enjoy the picture of my new car :O) and have a great rest of the week and weekend! i might post something tomorrow if i'm so moved, but if not see you next week!
love and hugs!
r

wahooo!!

my parents decided that my old car was too old to reliably take me to richmond and back for the next 4 years, sooooo they got me a new one! it's a 2005 honda civic. i LOVE it! it's gray with a cute spoiler on the back. wahoo! check it out...oh and if you're my facebook friend i have a few other pics there...

creepy

hey everyone! it's been a few days since i've blogged. life is good, a bit stressful but good. we're looking for a car for me to take to school, i'm trying to get things done, and next week i go to san francisco for a 5 days to a poverty conference. work is ok. i'm feeling super overwhelmed to get things done and get things that have been ignored up to date and in a good place before i go. anyway, i read this article this morning and wanted to pass it on. our culture jokes about stalking a lot but it's a seriously creepy crime. this woman wrote a book about her 10+ years of being stalked by a former boyfriend. she says that to this day things still happen. and he's not a violent stalker, but he would break into her house and take a spoon from the kitchen and put it on the middle of her bed. things like that so she would know that he was there. so check it out if you want, we had a training by the one guy quoted in the article, mark wynn, and stalking is just some spectacularly messed up stuff, done by some spectacularly creepy people. have a great weekend everyone! r

wow

check out this post over at shakesville, written by a member of the Tennessee UU Church where that shooting took place on sunday. it's pretty moving stuff. also, if you're so inclined, the UU church has set up a relief fund to collect donations that might be able to help the church community as they heal.

God is our hope and strength,
a very present help in trouble.

Therefore will we not fear, though the earth be moved,
and though the hills be carried into the midst of the sea;

Though the waters thereof rage and swell,
and though the mountains shake at the tempest of the same.

There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God,
the holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.

Psalms 46: 1-4

*yawn*

i slept terribly last night and am completely worn out today. it's been a busy day at work and looks like it will continue to be busy till this afternoon. so no at work blogging today. i'll try and blog later, i had a great day at therapy yesterday and we talked about interesting stuff. my sister emailed me this quote from some movie/book about dancing and i thought it was spectacular. so enjoy! love you all! hugs

"I knew I was fully awake, and I knew that something of my other place woke up with me. Never before in my life had I felt myself so completely. My self. A mixed-up jumble of feelings, thoughts, wishes, hopes, goals...a hodgepodge of happiness and sadness and anger and despair... of jealousy and wisdom, ignorance and knowledge. It was packaged inside a body I used to take for granted, a body that had run and danced effortlessly. It was directed by a mind that had found it easy to be witty and funny, or serious and deep. it belonged to a person that woke up each day and did it-- the day, that is--without ever having to examine what exactly she was doing. My self had simply been. I didn't know why. I had never asked. And I didn't know who she was, not really. Now thoughts I'd not bothered to reach for presented themselves and feelings I had been afraid to look at stood up and paraded. Never before had I been able to see me in such a revealing way. I felt the same fascination that people drawn to a bloody car accident do. It was terrifying, and completely inescapable" ~D.W.Hurwin

downsizing

so i'm taking a break from my sunday of going through my stuff and getting rid of it. i've got tons of clothes and so i'm going through and donating a lot of them to goodwill and then i'll go through everything else and get rid of it too! so exciting! i have some friends who want some of my stuff, and my sister needs my furniture for her apartment next year. so it's nice to give it to someone i know and let them use it. i'm going to be moving into a one room dorm room next year and so i need to be pretty thoughtful about what i take with me. it's pretty invigorating, really reinforces the newness of what i'll be doing, the fact that i'm starting a new chapter of my life. it's a little scary, i don't know anyone, i don't know the city, it's going to be freaking hard, i need to find a part time job. but at the same time i'm so excited. i think my studies will bring me another level of understanding in regards to my relationship with god. i know hebrew and greek will be incredibly challenging, but so rewarding to be able to read the bible in the original language. i'm so excited to check out a new city, to learn its fun ins and outs, to find cool places to hang out, neat things to take pictures of, great bars and brewery's, new local bands to listen to. i've been here in state college for 3 years and it's all so familiar, so comfortable. i think it's a good thing i was here when i was. i don't know if i could have dealt with the past year if i hadn't been here, in my home, in my community, literally surrounded by so many people who love me and support me. i know that i always have that support from my friends who don't live here, but to have so many concentrated in one place, able to give me a hug or make me dinner or stand and pray, i know that nourished me through this. but i'm ready to go. i'm feeling stagnant and impatient. i want to figure out a new place, i want to explore, i want to see how i like a new city and prove to myself that i can go and move and start new. in so many ways i know my life will be completely different than it is now. i'm going to miss so many things, so many people, but it's good. just like tom petty says
" Time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
It's time to move on, it's time to get going"

exhausted*

1 a: to consume entirely : use up <exhausted our funds in a week> b: to tire extremely or completely <exhausted by overwork> c: to deprive of a valuable quality or constituent <exhaust a photographic developer> <exhaust a soil of fertility>
2 a: to draw off or let out completely b: to empty by drawing off the contents; specifically : to create a vacuum in
3 a: to consider or discuss (a subject) thoroughly or completely b: to try out the whole number of <exhausted all the possibilities>intransitive verb



*definition via m-w.com

i kissed a girl...

so there is an old jill sobule song 'i kissed a girl', and it's a great song. fun, cheeky, sweet. you can watch it here and read the lyrics here. so i went to the beach with my fun kids and they were talking about this great song called 'i kissed a girl' and i got all excited because i was like oh it's such a cute song! and then they sang part of it for me, and it was not the same song. it was the katy perry song. which you can watch here and read the lyrics here. so not only does the song have an industrial pop dance sound that drives me batty, the lyrics are potentially the most irritating lyrics i've heard in recent memory. all they do is reinforce the stereotype that women hook up because it's something 'good girls' don't do. somehow it's a rebellious thing that you have to experiment with. oy. the song is EVERYWHERE and quite frankly it annoys me daily.

ok. rant is over.

:O)

the question of death

When you go to a recruitment weekend for a seminary you sit through some fake classes. By far the most amusing, entertaining, and thought provoking of these was a class in St. Louis, taught by a woman who was born in India, grew up in England, and now teaches in the states. She opened the class by saying she was going to talk about Jesus. She said 'you're coming to a Christian seminary, we're going to talk about Jesus. Get over it'. So we talked for 45 minutes about the question of death, specifically the death of Jesus. We make such a big deal about his death and resurrection, but really isn't the important part what he taught us while he was here? If the point was death, then why not kill him as an infant, get it over with. Well, then you'd miss his life and all of the lessons he taught us about how to live and treat each other. Ok so then why die and be resurrected? Why die young? Why not live to be old and teach us more about how to love each other? These are the kinds of things I'll be wrestling with when I go off to seminary.
I find the question of death, in the bigger sense to be something I struggle with almost daily. I work in a job where the reality of life and death is always looming in the background. Where people I meet today might not be around tomorrow. For three years I've almost been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for one of my clients to be murdered. It's obviously not something I want to happen, the first year I worked here I told my boss that if any of my clients were killed that I would immediately have to quit. That I couldn't keep doing this if it happened. Luckily it hasn't happened. That doesn't mean it hasn't almost happened, or that I haven't been terrified that it was going to happen, just that I've lucked out. I have just under 6 weeks of work left. It's getting harder and harder to come here on a daily basis and face the grim reality that my clients are dealing with. I was in therapy yesterday, talking to a sub therapist for a few weeks, and telling her how long I'd been at my job, and the types of stress I had and the effects on me and my life. And she told me that my job is just a perfect storm for burnout. I'm in crisis work 9-5 Monday- Friday, and even if I'm not with a client, each phone call or door ring is the chance that it will be a crisis, and that it will be messy. I'm right in the window of burnout, she said it's about 3-4 years. I've been working here 3 years this summer so combining that with all the family stuff I've had going on, plus my propensity to stay insanely busy to cope with it all, and she told me she was surprised I lasted this long. So I'll count down the days, and say a prayer of thanks each one that passes without a fatality. I suppose that's really all I can do. Sorry this post derailed into depressing job talk. I had another direction for it in mind, but I guess that's just not where my thoughts are sitting today. Have a lovely Tuesday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERRIE!!!!!

love and hugs
r

hahahaha

i just got this in my email for a local venue...

Just Announced

Hanson On Sale Friday, July 18 at Noon! Bono called their music 'genius'. Hip producers like the Dust Brothers and Stephen Lironi worked with them early on, even before millions of fans screamed their names and critics applauded them. But for Isaac, Taylor and Zac Hanson, it's always been about the music, and there's always been a message in the music for those who were really listening. Their new album, The Walk, is more than just the story of three brothers whose interest and compassion led them halfway around the world. It's an album with an old-school approach with many of the songs recorded "live" off the floor and without the overdubbing that is common with many artists today. "The Walk is the walk of life," Zac says, "People make decisions to go for dreams, to do something difficult, or they decide to be part of the crowd that watches. You have to make those decisions by yourself."

dave matthews band thursday

when i had my internship we would name the day of the week after whatever cd we were listening to. so my supervisor frequently had 'bon jovi monday' 'michelle branch tuesday' etc, where as i had at least one, usually two or three dave matthews band days. i've fallen away from listening to dave as much lately, but today is most definitely dave matthews band thursday. work sucks. i'm exhausted and stressed out and i just want to have a temper tantrum and go home. but instead i will sit here at my desk for 8 hours and plug away at my work, talk to people in crisis, and try to help wherever i can. sigh. so today is 'busted stuff', i'm sure it will be followed by some live dmb, and maybe a foray into some other artists later. so todays post will be song lyrics. i'll give you that dave has written some crazy songs, probably due to a touch of drug use (ha) but i do love this one...
grey street
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street.
She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says "I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "
Oh There's a loneliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
Oh It'd take the work out of the courage
But she says "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
and the end of the world."
Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To Grey

best. quote. ever

i don't watch the office, but i have many friends who do, and i just discovered this quote in k's facebook profile and it completely describes how i feel about my job. except i'm at the train part today. but only 100 minutes left until i get to leave. oy.

Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. -Jim Halpert

so

it's rare that something happens at work that is honest to goodness funny. not inappropriately funny but really funny to the outside world. so in my line of work i occasionally talk to abusers. not because i really want to, but because i am the first line of defense on the phone. they're not usually fun, they're usually jerky or manipulative or pathetic. but on monday i talked to the best abuser ever. he was BRILLIANT! so brilliant that i wrote down some of his quotes while we were talking. i'll give you the gist of the conversation:
him: i didn't do what she said i did, even though i went to jail for many months because of what i did.
me: yeah, you can contact your attorney to talk about if there are steps to take.
so that's basically the conversation. for about 45 minutes (fun!!!) so at one point he was trying (i think) to say hypothetical. instead he said : "Hypothize…hypotheticalize…whatever" then, we kept talking (yay!) and he was saying that we (our center) had been working with his victim (something i can neither confirm or deny) and that since she was lying he thought we would want to know that for our "keeping track record of immaculate conception" and that we would want to know the truth because "you don’t want to be a rouge agency"

hahahhahaha

it's the only funny thing that's happened all week. tonight however i have this kid from my church coming over to do a sales pitch about cutco knives. some jerk i volunteer with gave him my name and he was sooooo socially awkward i couldn't say no. sigh. some days aug.22 can't come quick enough (last day of work)

oh lunchtime poll: a friend from elementary school is getting married, but her wedding is in san diego, on a friday the first week of class. is there any way i can go? i think not. sigh.

wall e

hey! has anyone out there seen wall e? i LOVE all things pixar, but i've been hearing some mixed reviews from the blogging world. this most recent one on slate.com seems to highlight all the controversy i've heard about, and even some i'd not heard before. my brother and sister in law went to see in and the sister in law loved it. haven't asked the brother if he liked it or not. so yeah, have you seen it? do you plan to see it? why or why not?

happy friday! have a great weekend!
love love
r

Patriotic?

in honor of this past 4th of july holiday i'm going to write about patriotism. i am not the most patriotic person in the world. i am happy to live in the united states, i know i have a lot of privileges that come with living here, each time i come home from abroad and the customs person says 'welcome home' i smile. but i do not own one item that has an american flag on it. our household doesn't fly an american flag (indeed i doubt we have one). if i were running for president i would not wear an american flag lapel pin. i disagree with the president. i criticize our foreign policy. i HATE our wars. i try and figure out why we were attacked on 9/11, and what part our culture played in that attack. but i also vote, pay taxes, and spent 2 years of my life in americorps in service to my country, my community.

apparently democrats are twice as likely to say that protesting is patriotic than republicans. there was a usa today poll recently that asked what activities people thought were patriotic; voting, serving in the military, supporting us world policies, saying the pledge of allegiance, wearing an american flag pin. i heard about this first on a right wing radio show, it was bill o'reilley's show but he had a stand in. and he was reporting this survey and was quite surprised at the percentage of people who said protesting was patriotic. i had to go back into work before they took callers, but i knew where it was going. i fall into the camp that thinks protesting is patriotic. it's exercizing your fundamental rights. the ability to protest is one of the things that make america great. if we're part of a peaceful protest we don't have to worry about being arrested,or worse. there are some countries where you can't speak out against your government without fear of bodily harm. i've been in countries where the news was so regulated by the government that it came over loud speakers into the town. everyone heard the same version of everything, and you accepted it, no matter what. i don't know why people think that you have to agree with the government all the time to be patriotic. i don't know why you would even think of not voting, i don't understand how you can tell the content of a candidates character based on what is on his or her lapel.

until i live somewhere that it is mandatory to agree 100% with my government, i'll continue to disagree. and if there are things i find so heinous that i need to protest them in a march or a sit in or a letter writing campaign,then i'll continue to do it. it doesn't mean i love my country any less, indeed i think it means i love it more. i want it to be the best country, the best community, the best homeland it can be.

oy

it's a damn good thing it's only a 4 day work week. we're all about to quit out of sheer frustration here. so we're off to have dinner and drinks tonight after work, that should help a bit. it's almost fireworks day! wahoo!!

work is INSANELY busy so no time for a real post today, so i give you a quote from 'overheard in new york' i'm sure there will be weekend posting, but this is it for today :O)

Composed chick on cell: He's a giraffe, and I'm a leopard, and I'm never gonna be a giraffe. I've tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I'm gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It's in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.

--Billiard Hall, Elizabeth & Bowery

life on the beach

i just got back from a week at the beach with 51 high school kids. we supervised, gave advice, led discussions, made up prayers, made up songs, played in the ocean, and strengthened relationships. i had so much fun, i never wanted to come home. i've worked with most of these kids for the past two years and i love them as much as i love my family. they're not always my favorites, but like family you love them anyway. the youth group was important to me as a high school kid, it gave me a community that offered unwaivering support, encouragement and love. and now as a leader i get to provide that community to the kids i work with. when i tell people i spent my vacation with a bunch of teenagers they usually say some variation of 'better you than me' and i just laugh and say 'it's really not that bad. they're good kids and we have fun'. and then the other person says 'i'll take your word for it' and chuckles. no really, i've had that conversation at least 30 times in the past two years. so why do i do it. why do i spend what precious little free time i get from my job hanging out with teenagers? at the end of the week on the beach we sit in our small groups and go around and tell each other why we love each other. and the kids and adults do it. no matter how uncomfortable you are, you still love it.we laugh, we cry, we take breaks to stand in the ocean and this year we ate cookies. you get through it, and when it's over you feel so much more connected to those kids sitting around you. one of my favorite kids, who i've had a few times in small group over the past 2 years was in my group this year. and he told me i was an 'awesome leader' and that i had helped him learn things about himself that he wouldn't have otherwise learned. that is why i spend my vacation with teenagers. because under their facade of tough guy jock-ness they're softies, and you get to see that vulnerability and encourage them to go places they wouldn't normally go. i've often said that you don't learn anything when you're comfortable. these kids push themselves into uncomfortable situations because they know they're in a safe, loving community. there is no better place to screw up than our youth group. because we will love you before, during, and after you've screwed up. and you will learn things you never knew before.

hello!

i'm back from the beach! nice and tan, not that bugbitten, and much more relaxed than i was when i left. we had a great time, i'll write more about that soon. probably tonight. i'm trying to get back into the swing of work, checking my email (ugh) and voicemail (double ugh). i hope you all had a great week and i'll post more about the beach and hopefully some pictures tonight :O) r

hanging with the horse till the 28th

no really, one of our kids took this picture on last years trip :O)

have a great week!
love and hugs
r

random schmandom

* my sister will be home next week!! granted i won't be here to see her, but she'll at least be in the united states! wahoo!!
* i'm off to the beach on sunday! hanging out with 51 high school kids for a week in assateague island md
*the prozac is good, but making me a bit dizzy every once in a while. however if that's my trade off for emotional stability, i'll take it.
*i'm totally exhausted. i've been working on the programs for the kids for next week and it's been stressing me out, which affects my ability to fall asleep at night. so i'm super tired. hopefully tonight i can get to bed earlier.
*i was listening to the local AM radio station yesterday on the way to work and the hosts were talking about nuclear energy and how both presidential candidates are pretty clear that we need to reinvest in it. and the announcer guys were like 'well until we have a type of energy that produces no waste, that's what we should go with'. um. mr. announcer and mr. announcer, i'd like to introduce you to my friends solar power and wind power.
*i MUST do laundry tonight. i cannot laze about the house and be sleepy. must. wash. clothes. and muuuuuuuust make list of what i'm packing for the beach.
*it's been sparsely populated at work all week and so i keep thinking it's friday. but it's not.
* i got yelled at and hung up on by a client yesterday. sigh.

oooh and the most exciting thing ever! THE CELTICS WON!!!!! sorry nate, but i LOVE rondo (he went to UK!) and kg. GOOOO CELTICS!

i think that's all. i'm trying to get all caught up with my work so that when i come back from vacation it's not overwhelming. happy thursday everyone!
hugs. r

thanks usher!

hey everyone, usher thought he'd lend us hand in the whole debate of why some people are attracted to members of the same sex. biology? genetics? bad childhood? naw, it's just pure supply and demand:

"Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men."--Usher

thanks for clearing that up!

so

yesterday when i was driving home from my parents house i heard a debate on npr. the people were debating legalizing a system where you would be monetarily compensated for donating an organ. apparently there are lots of people out there who feel like you should be able to just pay for an organ if you need a transplant, instead of waiting for one to be donated. the argument being that then you could just get one when you needed one and wouldn't have to wait or potentially die on the list. the argument against is that it will essentially price people out of getting transplants, and that it wouldn't increase the number of donors anyway. now i'm not sure about all the details, i'm sure there is more info on the npr webpage and various places on the internet. but from what i did hear, i think i'd be really ambivalent about supporting cash for organs. dad almost died on the transplant list. if they hadn't done the first surgery (on a thursday) the doctors said he wouldn't have lived through the weekend. his liver wasn't functioning really at all and his kidneys were starting to fail, and his blood sugar was out of whack as well. dad had three false alarms, three livers that they considered, that dad went to danville, got ready for surgery, and then the doctors said no. the fourth liver was his first transplant and his fifth shot is the one he has now. all of those livers came from donors. none of them were compensated, and in my dads case, he needed an entire liver so his donors were deceased. in america we have a system where the wealthiest members of our society get the best of everything. so why would this make transplants any different? the rich already have better health care, so now we'll price the poor out of organs as well? it just doesn't sit well with me. one of the debaters brought up blood donation, and that in america and in england they used to pay for blood donations. then england stopped the compensation and america still had compensation for a while, and england was getting more donations uncompensated, than america was getting compensated. so we switched to a non-compensation system and that's where we still are today. incidentally dad used upwards of 30 units of donated blood in his transplants. it's an interesting debate, one that i'm sure will continue and hopefully will get some more press and more voices to contribute. what do my legions of readers have to say?

UPDATE: here's a wall street journal blog about cash for organs

dawn wednesday...

for the week at the beach we'll be sneaking in some prayer/meditation time for the kids. it's something we do each year, but this year we're going to work a little more intentionally from thomas merton's 'a book of hours'. that book gives you a little sequence of prayers or meditations for four times during the day, dawn, day, dusk and dark. there are a bunch of different readings for each time, so we're not going to do all of them (obviously) but i'm working on doing some of them each day and hope that when i'm on the beach i can do all of each time for the whole week. we'll see how it goes! the following section is the prayer we're having our kids read wednesday morning, since most of you will read this wednesday morning(ish) i thought it was appropriate. it's good stuff! stuff i'm finding i just absolutely love reading. i hope you enjoy it! i think i'll probably post some readings and maybe some reflections later that day or the next day. we'll see. for now, enjoy your first dawn wednesday reading :O)

Sunrise is an event that calls forth solemn music in the very depths of man's nature, as if one's whole being had to attune itself to the cosmos and praise God for the new day, praise Him in the name of all the creatures that ever were or ever will be.
I look at the rising sun and feel that now upon me falls the responsibility of seeing what all my ancestors have seen, in the stone age and even before it, praising God before me. Whether or not they praised Him then, for themselves, they must praise Him in me. When the sun rises each one of us is summoned by the living and the dead to praise God.

yikes

i can't believe it's been a week since i blogged anything!(apologies to my legions of devoted readers) i took off friday and monday and have been dog sitting and working on programs for the high schoolers and being hot. here in the north east it's been 90's for quite some time. so i've been hanging out in the basement,with a fan. and a 6 pound pomeranian. he's the one in the picture with his new alligator friend. my brother and sister in law were doing stuff at their house and so i got to hang with the dog. i will blog more later today :O) but it's off to therapy and then to let the dog out then back to work. happy tuesday!

best. bumper. sticker. ever.

so i stopped at the local mcdonalds to grab a soda on my way back to work today and there was this big ol dusty ford in front of me with a square black sticker in the middle of the end of the bed and the sticker said

BUSH
like a rock
only dumber

needless to say that was not what i was expecting the sticker to read. hahah. how fun. oh and i was on the vanity fair website looking over that bill clinton article, and they have a bush countdown clock on their site. sigh.

happy tuesday! and happy june!

friday song lyrics

the scientist, coldplay
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails, Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing, At numbers and figures, Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart
Come tell me you love me, Come back and haunt me, All in a rush to the start
Running in circles, Chasing our tails, Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy, Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start...

feedback appreciated

hey there blogosphere, most of you know i work with high school kids and many of you may remember that last year i went with them to the beach for a week in june, well we're going again and i have offered to help write the program for them. this years theme is the olympics! there are 6 programs to write and i'm taking the point in writing/coordinating the writing of the programs. here are the possible program ideas i've brainstormed, please, please, please let me know if you have any thoughts:

globalism
cheating in sports-- the ethics of the flop (based on a presentation a sports philospher gives)
china: tibet/pollution/family planning (not all lumped together, 3 seperate)
international human rights issues
god and sports (john 3:16 references, crossing yourself before you bat, the locker room prayer, touchdown jesus. well, not really touchdown jesus)

ummm. that's all i thought of this afternoon while i was eating my lunch. now you see why we need more :O) holla

**update! here are the 6 ideas i have, some of them are like those above, some are different. comments still wanted!

2. olympics: a bit about the history of the olympics and then this program is about doing your best, living your life as a sacrifice to god

3. cheating/the ethics of the flop- adapted from dr.k's confirmation program, do you flop or not flop when you're playing sports? just because everyone else does it is it ok? will have some short scenarios from casey's ethics book, small groups could talk through them and say what they would do

4. the global community- program about being part of the global community, what does that mean to you, what do you think it will mean in the future, mlk jr quote, ubuntu

5. human rights: in the past there have been different countries banned from the olympics, different countries boycotting the games, when do you think that should happen. think about the issues with china: tibet and family planning -- include short intro to both. should china even have the games?

6. maybe program on immigration?

7. the importance of play in everyday life. how do you play, how do you relax, is that important to you

magic number

Numbers play a huge part in our lives. It was numbers that told us dad had hep c and then cancer. A number that dictated when he would get a transplant, numbers that told he needed a second one. Numbers that decide if you graduate college or not, numbers that separate a felony and a misdemeanor. Numbers determine if you’re eligible for welfare, how much you can pay your staff, if you can go on vacation. Right now I’m entering numbers that help fund our center, every person is a set of numbers, rape 201, physical abuse 101, stalking 104, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse 215. and how do we deal with these? With more numbers, counseling 35, shelter info 34, PFA info 23, relocation 30, crisis counseling 07. The list of numbers that we work with are endless: ages, dates, times, grades, zip codes, phone numbers, addresses, crimes codes, height, weight, personality, it all comes down to numbers. Yesterday I was assigned two numbers, 10 digits, that hopefully will help change my life in a good way. My new numbers are 300.01 and 296.32. Panic disorder without agoraphobia and Major depressive affective disorder, recurrent episode, moderate degree in the DSM respectively. Numbers went into the diagnoses even, how many panic attacks, how long until you felt calm, how much sleep are you getting, how many nights a week do you eat with your housemates, how many people do you live with, how old are you, how often do you see your therapist. And a question with a one word answer that got me even more numbers: are you willing to take medication? Yes. Ok, you’ll start out at 20mg a day and in 2 weeks come see me and if it’s going ok we’ll up your dosage. I’m not sure how I feel about all of it. In some ways it’s liberating to have a label. To be able to say, this is what’s wrong. It’s still hard to describe the depression; the panic is easier to put into words. We’ll see how it all goes. The drug I’ve been given, Prozac, might work, might not. In some ways I’m not sure how I’ll know if it is working, I mean if the panic attacks stop then that’s one thing, but it’s so hard to describe the depression, I’m not sure how to describe coming out of it. A coworker said when she went on antidepressants her daughter described her as ‘mom without the cloud’. So we’ll find out. I’m not on a therapeutic dose yet, I’ll presumably get bumped up in 2 weeks when I go back. For so long I’ve felt like every ounce of my energy was expended just getting up, going to work and volunteering. And every answer to any set of feelings was to start crying. So maybe I’ll know if the drugs work if those things start to change. I know there are varying opinions on the subject of medication for mental health issues, all I ask is that if you’re reading this you respect the fact that I’m trying this. It’s been tough to come to terms with it and I’ve waiting quite a long time to admit I want to give it a shot. I don’t take it lightly for a whole host of reasons and if you want to chat more about that drop me a line. For now I’m going to finish work (137 minutes left) and then have a lovely 3 day weekend. Happy Memorial Day weekend to you all, I hope you spend it joyously! Love and hugs.r

i know!

overheard at the bar last night: "i don't know why i failed womens studies. i love bitches"

hahahah. it is worth noting that he was COMPLETELY SERIOUS and completely clueless as to how he failed that particular course. oh i do love the bar. and the thing is he was kinda cute before that comment. hahaha.

the post of substance is coming, but probably not till the weekend. sorry, i've had a bit of a tough week. hope you're all having a lovely week! love love. oh and the sister has a new blog post about india up, check it out if you are so inclined.
r

ok

there will be an actual post of substance either tomorrow or thursday. working on something now, but don't have the energy to finish it tonight. it's been a long, exhausting day. becky is safely in india! wahoo! hope you're all having lovely weeks, mine is ok,but more on that in the post to come. i'll leave you with the lyrics to a dar williams song, one that i find hilarious and that will tie in to my next post. she sang this at her show in state college and i had never heard it before and i totally busted out laughing during the song. i'm sure my friend who went with me was thrilled :O)

teen for god

The sun burns down
Leaving God's bright stamp
On Peach Branch Horse and Bible Camp
Where we're splashing in the water
Joined in song
Swimming with the Spirit the whole day long
I'm a teen for God

God is watching - teen for God
God is watching - teen for God

The girls have looks and the girls have rules
They came here from their Bible schools
They can make you pay attention
To the way you dress and eat
Make you trip over your own two feet and they
Kneel down on their towels at night
Their nightgowns glow with a Holy light
And we pray for the sinners
And their drunken car wrecks
And vow that I'll never get high
And have sex
I'm a teen for God

God is watching - teen for God
God is watching - teen for God

And God made every leaf on every tree
Each grain of sand
God has a plan
For what we're meant to be
I gotta wait for God

Dear Lord
I plan each day
The things I will not do or say
But I'm driven by a passion
Is it only there to tame?
It fills my heart and it calls my name and
This world that you made for us
I know, I know, is dangerous
So I ride a lot of horses
And I never even swear
Sorta like praying I'm just not there

Oh God

God is watching - oh God
God is watching

But God made love
God made the rivers run
And cowboy boots and bathing suits
And the boy's skin dries in the sun...
You gotta help me, God

Help me know, four years from now
I won't believe in you anyhow
And I'll mope around the campus
And I'll feel betrayed
All those guilty summers I stayed
But then I'll laugh
That I fell for the lure
Of the pain of desire to feel so pure
And I'll bear all the burdens
Of my little daily crimes
Wish I had a God for such cynical times
Far from today

But for now I'm a sacred vessel
Rip me open - I spread your word
Like a milkweed pod
I'm a radio station -
Your Holy transmission
Even more, like a lightning rod

I'm a lightning rod - a teen for God

God is watching - teen for God
God is watching... a teen for God

new link!

hey, if you look at the links on the side of my page you'll notice a new one titled 'becky's blog from india!'. my little sister is spending 5 weeks in india this summer, she left yesterday and will be back in late june. she's going to try and blog as often as internet access allows her. so if you're interested check it out, if not, just ignore it :O)

happy monday!

6 months ago today

i was on my way to the hosptial, probably about this exact time (11:23am) i was walking into my dads room, a new room after the second transplant, saying hi to his nurse, and looking around trying to figure out what was different and being jazzed that he was no longer on dialysis. yesterday was 6 months that he has had his new liver. it's weird to think that it was only 6 months ago we were not sure if he was going to live. there was a night during the week of not being sure he would make it when my roommate made me dinner and our friends and their dog came over and i still remember coming up the stairs and opening the door and there was dinner and a dog. my friend looked at me like he had no idea what to say, but that he was there. that moment and that night are etched in my mind. like so many of the emails, phone calls, text messages and cards and meals that poured in. i'm very blessed in this life and i'm sure i don't remember that enough. thank you all for the support, prayers, happy thoughts, food, hugs, for being the voice on the phone when i couldn't stop crying, thank you for lifting me up and helping me through the hardest time in my life.
i just got off the phone with my dad and he had no idea it had been 6 months. we've all be preoccupied with the hepatitis c stuff and all seemed to forget about other things. so thank you, thank you, thank you.

"If the only prayer you said in your life was 'thank you,' that would suffice". --Meister Eckhart

fill me up

Fill me up fill me up
I'm a long way from home
And I don't have a lot to say
Fill me up fill me up
Cause you're all that I've got
And I traveled a long long way

Cheer me up cheer me up
Cause I'm all alone
And I'm takin it day by day
Fill me up fill me up
Cause you're all that I've got
And I traveled a long long way. shawn colvin

hello blogosphere. i'm still feeling crappy, hopefully it won't develop into a cold, but thought i would post the best parts of chicago for those of you who read but didn't make it there (is that anyone?) i apologize to the non blue 2 peeps, this might not seem as funny as it did to us.

*JVS being RIGHT about the ice skater. we argued with him for a good 15-20 minutes and then K remembered that she had in fact gone boating with him and perhaps over to his house. the guy sitting behind JVS actually congratulated him. it was hilarious.

*reminiscing about the project in miami: crazy dog lady and then crazy 'i let you f$#@ me in the a$$' lady. raquel drinking waaaaaaaay too much at a gay bar in miami and throwing up pretty much everywhere and then not remembering anything the next day.

*googling the dish at starbucks to see if we could discern her status on this planet (answer, we're not sure)

*dancing to old amerisongs at the reception- hey ya, get low, yeah, notrious big,

*sitting down to lunch at the thai place and it was KJ, JVS, FL and myself and just looking around and it was so surreal.

*realizing that we hadn't seen each other in 3-4 years but we were totally comfortable hanging out and talking.

*raquel may have had a bit too much to drink at the reception. but it was damn fun!

all in all it was the best 4 days in recent memory. well if you take away the traveling, and even that, while frustrating, was a break from my every day life, so it was good. it was so good to see the people that came, it's hard to describe but i feel like just hanging out with people who know you so well is comforting. i'm so blessed to still have you all in my life, and to have spent the year together that we did. love love love. r

skittles and pop music

that is how i made it home last night. it was a long day of traveling, re routed el, long line to security, LOTS of turbulence, torrential downpours, MORE TURBULENCE, a rocky landing in which i am positive we hydroplaned for a bit, and then more rain plus an hour and fifteen minute drive. i left the hotel yesterday at 10:30am and arrived at my house at 12:30am monday. sigh. 14 hour travel days really take it out of you.

i'm spent. i have blog thoughts (about our weekend) tumbling around in my head but i'm honestly too exhausted to do anything other than observe them right now.

i had a fantastically wonderful trip to chicago. i didn't want to come home. to all my b2 peeps, i love you, we need to have a reunion every year. we don't need a wedding or anything, just a weekend of hanging out and having fun. as we proved, this can be done without leaving starbucks :O) the bride looked spectacular, the groom remembered names, and we got our own little ameritable at the recepetion. no really, we were the only 5 top in the joint :O)

ok. back to work. it's a 10 hour day today and i'm only halfway through it. i miss you guys already. happy monday everyone!
q

mini vacation fun

i cannot freaking wait for tomorrow. i'm flying out to chicago. if i did nothing for the whole time but lay in a bed in a hotel that is nowhere near state college i would be happy. of course there will be a wedding, some hanging out, some shopping (i'm sure), food, pictures. and even perhaps a nap after i get in on thursday. i'm not taking my computer and i get in late sunday night. stupid layover. so i'll do the blog/email thing on monday from work. responsible i know. if you're not meeting me in chicago then have a spectacular weekend and i'll catch you next week.
r

my old kentucky home

weep no more, my lady
oh, weep no more, today
we will sing one song for the old kentucky home
for the old kentucky home far away. stephen foster

most of you know i was born in kentucky. my dad and his family lived there forever, my mom and her family for a while when my grandfather was working at the university of kentucky and then again when she dropped out of college and went down and ended up marrying my dad. my dad is reluctant northerner, he still referes to my younger siblings as 'yankees' since they were born in PA and we(me, e, dad and i think mom) were all born in KY. there are some things that are hard wired into you when you're born in kentucky. you love basketball, whether you're a UK or UL fan is purely geographic (we all know who's better), you love saying y'all, you are predisposed to liking hair spray and curlers, you know there will be someone in your life who refers to it as 'the war of northern aggression' or 'the war for states rights', and you love derby day. for as long as i can remember our family has gotten together to watch the 'most exciting 2 minutes in sports'. i'm not going to lie, i would LOVE to wear a little sun dress, a big hat and some fun sunglasses and drink mint juleps all day long. just once (kerrie it is totally going on my list!) so this past saturday we watched the derby, we watch big brown demolish the field at the end of the race, and then we saw the equine ambulances pull up to shield the filly and we sat silently and waited for the announcers to give us the bad news. eight belles ran the race of her life, second in the derby and then to get compound fractures in both legs is just heartbreakingly tragic. my heart goes out to the trainer, owner and jockey. they are all part of a team that cared for that horse. i know there are tons of people who disagree with me and who find horseracing to be a terrible sport, but i see the beauty of the horses, their god given strong bodies running as fast as they can. the intelligence of the jockeys, holding them back until they know they can just let them go and holding on for dear life as the animal barrels down the straightaway. anyway. it was a big part of my weekend to hang out with family and then watch the race, when the announcers came on and said that eight belles trainer/owner/jockey had no comment my mom was pissed they even tried to talk to them. i'm rambling, in short, rip eight belles, you were a beautiful horse and i loved watching you run.

holocaust remembrance day

today is holocaust remembrance day*. there's not better way to put yourself and your life in perspective than to think of the 6 million Jewish citizens that were murdered in the holocaust. i've been to the holocaust museum several times, 2 years ago i was in Israel around this time and was lucky enough to visit yad vashem. it's really interesting to see the different perspectives and i'm really glad i could go. so if you have an extra 10 minutes today maybe have some silence, remember the horror that was the holocaust and thank God for the survivors and their stories that help those who died live on.

God of Our Fathers, let the ashes of the children incinerated in Auschwitz, the rivers of blood spilled at Babbi Yar or Majdanek, be a warning to mankind that hatred is destructive, violence is contagious, while man has an unlimited capacity to cruelty. Almighty God, fulfill the prophecy of Isaiah: "They shall beat their swords into ploughshares . . . nation shall not lift up a sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."
Amen.
Alexander Kimel

*it actually falls on the 2nd, but since that would overlap with the start of shabbat it's observed on the 1st this year you can find all the dates here

sigh

I work with trauma victims every day. It is my job to sit in a room with them and their stories. Either as a voice on the other end of the telephone, or as the face of the helping organization they walked into. Most people, if not all people, never expect to be talking to me. I don’t take it personally when I hear ‘I never thought I’d be here’ or ‘I don’t want to be doing this’, I like to say that no one really wants my business card. These are the recent victims, they’re still in shock at what they’re being forced to do. You can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t control what your abusive partner is going to do, but there are ways to limit their access to you, and I do feel blessed to be part of that process. It’s also insanely hard on those of us who are first or second or third responders. When you’re in such close proximity to that much violence for a long period of time, hell, even a short period of time, it’s hard to not feel the effects of vicarious trauma.

“As the client releases some of their pain, we take it in. By the end of the day, we’ve collected bits and pieces of accounts of trauma. We may have pictures in our mind or intense feelings running through our body. We’ve become a witness to rape, child abuse, domestic violence and death… In simple terms, this vicarious trauma as experienced by professionals and volunteers in the helping field.” Terri Spahn Nelson

At the end of the day it gets to you. I started going to therapy in September because I couldn’t deal with dad and his illness, around the same time I started having trouble sleeping, more anxiety, waking up feeling panic, those sorts of things. About a month ago I took a quiz and one of the sections dealt with vicarious trauma, if you scored a 17 they suggested you talk with a mental health professional. I scored 30. I look back at the 3 years I’ve been here and I think about different times when I’ve had trouble dealing with things, the fact that I’ve gained a lot of weight, the fact that I haven’t gone a week without crying over something stupid in God knows how long. And I look at the fact that our office does NOTHING to help us cope with this trauma. You’re just supposed to be ok. You’re supposed to use “Self-Care”. If this is my first job counseling trauma survivors, how the fuck do I know how to care for myself in that situation. Fuck, we don’t even take a lunch break away from our desk most days. So 40 hours a week, for 8 hours straight each day I’m listening to someone’s trauma, or waiting for someone to tell me their trauma, or entering data about their trauma. And I’m not even required to take a 30 minute break. I don’t want it to see like I don’t like my job, or my employer or clients, because I do. I’m just frustrated about the toll it’s taken on me and the lack of concern by said employer. I’m also at the point of deciding if I want or need to go on either anti depression meds or anti anxiety meds to help me have normal sleep and be able to get through life ok until I peace out in the fall. That’s another post for another day, but just to give some context to the pissed off-ness. Ok. I’m done now. Back to work. Love you all.r

on poverty, welfare and judgement

two main things have inspired this post, one was a training on poverty i attended last week, and the other is a conversation that happened last night with the college kids. we'll go in order. the training last week was on 'generational poverty' it was a training based on the work of dr. ruby payne
she says there are two kinds of poverty, generational and situational. in generational poverty you have at least 2 generations of living in poverty, and in situational poverty your socio-economic status is tied to an event- disabling injury, job loss, divorce, you get the picture. the training was interesting, but really tough to stomach. the woman basically says there is an us and a them, and here are the things that they have problems with. there were a lot of valid points, but a lot of stereotypes and bullshit at the same time. i was uncomfortable with the fact that it was a whole room (minus 2) of white, middle class (at least) people and the whole us vs. them mentality, thrown in to the fact that the one trainer was using examples of when she had helped out doing disaster relief for hurricaine katrina (what race where those evacuees again?) really had me feeling like it was borderline racist. so a woman asked the following question, which feeds right into the conversation from last night. she says 'i see people who i know have assistance (welfare) and they go to the store on friday night and buy a 6 pack of beer. why should they get to do that if they're on welfare?' now, jump ahead to last night. one of the people in our group had been listening to a radio show and long story short, he said (the guy in our group, not the radio guy) that anyone on welfare was just lazy. he went on to tell a story about how he was at sheetz ( 7-11, wawa type of place, has normal gas station stuff plus made to order food) and saw some guy get like $50 worth of stuff, sandwhiches, chips, candy, soda and then pay for it using his access (welfare) card. and this person was livid. why can you spend your welfare money on food like that he says. now, i didn't say too much, i finally burst out with a 'what gives you the right to judge that person' but didn't talk too much because the amount of anger he had for 'those people' was too much for me to want to engage in. oh the other topic that pissed me off, well they're poor so they should be greatfull for anything.
so here is my rant about all of this. what gives you the right to judge anyone. maybe that 6 pack was going to be used as a bartering tool to get someone to fix that guys car, maybe it was so he could have a drink with his friends after a long week of work, either way, it's his choice. and maybe that other guy was buying dinner out for his family. maybe the only way they could afford to have premade food was to get it from a place that takes their access card. and maybe the only place that takes it is sheetz. is there some rule that if you're poor you have to a- eat healthy food and b- only cook at home? we had food stamps when we were in new hampshire (amerisalary was $150 a week and we had to pay for food and rent) and i tell you what, there were times when i bought totally healthy food on my food stamps, and some times when i just needed to have some chips and french onion dip. should i have had to use my own money to buy that? what rights do people think you should have to give up when you're poor? the right to choose your own food, the right to decline a hand out, the right to demand that if someone is helping you by doing work in your house they do it right. are those things so absurd? if we deny people these rights we make them less human, and that would be the saddest thing of all. i think what frustrated me the most was that the conversation with the college kids is a christian fellowship group. these are people who give up their time to help those in need, but apparently feel totally comfortable judging them. it's christians like that who give us a bad name.

the stone

i heart dmb. sigh.

Ive this creeping, suspicion that things here are not as they seem.
Reassure me, oh why do I feel as if I'm in too deep.
Now Ive been praying, for some way to show them I'm not what they see.
Yes I have done wrong, but what I did I thought needed be done, I swear.

Oh, unholy day, if I leave now I might get away.
Oh but this weighs on me, as heavy as stone and as blue as I go.

I was just wondering if you'd come along.
Hold up my head when my head wont hold on.
Ill do the same if the sames what you want,
If not Ill go, I will go a long...

..long way, ah, from that fools mistake.
And now forever pay, no run, I will run and Ill be ok.

I was just wondering if you'd come along.
Hold up my head when my head wont hold on.
Ill do the same if the sames what you want,
But if not Ill go, I will go a long...

...long way, to bury the past for I don't want to pay.
Oh how I wish, this, to turn back the clock and do over again.

Now I'm just wondering if you'd come a-long.
Hold up my head when my head wont hold on.
Ill do the same if the sames what you want,
But if not Ill go, Ill go alone.

I need so, to stay in your arms, see you smile, hold you close.
And now it weighs on me, as heavy as stone and of bone chilling cold.

I was just wondering if you'd come a--long.
Tell me you will.

what makes it so 'ultimate'?

so. i've long wondered, these past 5ish years since i found out about its existence, what was so fantastic about ultimate frisbee. i have many friends who seriously LOVE ULTIMATE and i just don't get it. wikipedia has a huge entry on it, you can learn the rules and the history there, and i think it kind of hints to the ginormous following that ultimate has. but i have resisted the trend. my high school kids play ultimate all the time, and i remember having friends in college who played, and of course there were people in americoprs who played (right?) but i may have to start playing when i go to seminary. or probably before i go so that i can have some stamina built up. see there's a quad on the campus and every day there's either a soccer game or an ultimate game. and then in the spring they have an ultimiate competiton, with seminaries from different states (GA, PA, NJ, VA) all coming together to play. pretty insane. i bring all this up because today i got a letter from the president of my seminary welcoming me to the school and i got a frisbee in the mail with the competition logo on it. fun fun fun.
oh and on saturday i got my official admission letter AND my scholarship letter. 100% tuition!!! so i just need to get $$ to pay for room, board, books and health insurance :O)

They like me, they REALLY like me!!!

i got in to seminary!!! i know most of you who read the blog also already got an email from me, but i just needed to be excited on the blog too :O)

i am planning to enter this fall into a 4 year program where i'll end up with two masters degrees, one in divinity and one in christian ed. WAHOOOOOOOO

www.union-psce.edu

that's where i'll be!
happy wednesday everyone!
love love love love
r

overwhelmed

feeling a bit overwhelmed by the ugly part of humanity today. already. it's only 9:37. sigh. let the black eyed peas take it away..

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'

Where is the love (Love)

i love dar williams

i love her for her music (and you should too!) but that's not what this post is about. i love her most recently for a quote of hers i found when i was playing around on one of her fansites

"Peacekeeping is not only a central characteristic of the gospel. Peacemaking is the greatest need of the world today. We are the daughters and sons of God, and that means we are called to be peacemakers, whether we like it or not. It's a responsibility of all of us to pursue peace for its own sake, for the sake of the future for our children." dar williams

you may notice that dar says we are 'called' to be peacemakers. i think that many people feel that you have just one call.and many people, who aren't of the religious persuasion may not even be familiar with the language of call. even in religious circles, such as the one i hang in, the idea of call is something that, i think, is feared a little bit. like if god is calling you to do something or be something, you really don't want to do it. this isn't always the case, and i think that we are called to do many things in your life. literally the day after i discovered a super fantastic seminary (eden, in st louis) we found out dad had cancer. and about 3 weeks later i was at a gathering with the other youth leaders i work with and i was telling them how i felt pulled between leaving for seminary and staying in state college to hang with the family and help them out. and one of the other leaders just kept saying to me 'yes. but what is god calling you to do'. and i don't think i really realized until much later (when a friend pointed it out to me) that my calling in life has many facets. yes i am called into the ordained ministry so i'm (hopefully) going to seminary, but another part of my call is to my family and being a part of their caregiving network. i'm called to fighting injustice and that is something that will continue through my life, as a believer in jesus christ i'm called to serve and love those around me. and, i agree with dar, i am called to be a peacemaker. i enjoy the challenge of fufilling the call and greatly look forward to finding the way in which i will do that.

i just really really REALLY love this quote. it gets me all jazzed and makes me eager to move on to seminary. the school i want to go to has all my stuff and i'll be hearing soon i they'll take me or not. i didn't sleep well last night, the construction site across the way had trucks moving around until midnight or so and then i woke up a few times throughout the night. i'm journaling my sleep this week to talk about it at therapy next week. fun fun fun. i'd kill for a whole week of normal sleeping. it hasn't happened since i got sick a few months ago. sigh.
night kids. love and hugs.r

burnout

i have about 10 different things jumping around in my head that i want to blog about. great quotes, silly things, things that annoy me, why i get road rage, that sort of intellectually stimulating sort of thing. but today i need to blog about work. i work at a sexual assault and domestic violence center. i talk to people every day who are suffering, in trauma situations, who have had their lives irreversibly changed by someone. for most of them by someone that they knew and trusted. it's hard to wrap your head around this quantity of human pain happening in the county in which you live. there are people i talk to that i will never meet but probably pass on the way to work. just over a year ago, on easter sunday, april 8, 2007, we had a domestic violence fatality in centre county. the victim met her ex at a gas station to "pick up her sick kid". at least that's what he told her. he had the victim come to his car to get their daughter, who was actually home with the perpetrator's family, and he shot the victim and then himself. this victim had been doing everything right. she had a protection order, she had custody of their child, she only spoke with him about the child, she was meeting him in a public place to transfer their child. she even had her mother with her. and none of it mattered. the victim walked over to physically pick up her daughter, and she was shot. cases like this are hard. i can honestly say that the day this happened, and the week afterward, are the only time i've considered walking away from my job. i've told my boss that if one of my clients is killed, i won't be able to work here anymore. i think i would second guess everything i ever told them. a coworker who also frequently deals with high risk clients says that when people walk away she always thinks 'if she gets killed will i be sure i've told her everything i can'. this is my reality. life and death of familiar strangers. clients i get to know over time, clients i've never met but know their voice and their life story. this job comes with a lot of stress. a lot of exhaustion. and a lot of burnout, compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma. i've been in this field for about 3 years, and if i leave in the fall i will be ready for a break. i've been told more than once, 'i have to go. he's coming and if he sees me on the phone he'll kill me' and you can hear in their voice that they believe this to be true.
i don't want to paint a bleak picture. there is always some good. for every client at her wits end there is a client who is making great strides to have a safe, healthy, independent life. because of the murder last year our county is creating a custody exchange center. where parents can exchange their children and not have to see each other, and where supervised visitation can happen in a safe and controlled environment. i hope that jodi knows this. i hope she knows that she didn't die in vain, that her life and death will help hundreds of women to hopefully avoid the fate she was met with on that april afternoon one year and 3 days ago.

bumper sticker!

hey there friends! how are you? how's life? things here are ok. i spent monday at the hospital with my dad, going to various appointments and meeting with different doctors. it was good to be able to hear them talk and say that dad was heading in the right direction. they also switched to a different brand/type of interferon and they think it will be less irritating to his system and work better. so yay. but it was exhausting to do that all day. it is also spring in state college, and i am reminded that ever since i moved home, i'm allergic to this damn town. i feel like crap and there's just not a whole lot that can be done. oh well. at least it's not snowing out.

my yoga teacher emailed me and asked if i could write a little blurb for her new brochure. and also said that i look like i'm having fun and able to adjust poses and flows if i need to and still getting it. that made me feel like i'm not a yoga failure :O)

um, oh for the high school and then college kids i'm asking them to write their own faith related bumper sticker.

My bumper sticker would say

“It’s not all about you”

For me so much of being a Christian is the chance to serve other people. Whether it’s volunteer work out of town, or the USA, or helping out teaching Sunday school or babysitting at church. The service we are called to do and the community in which we are blessed to do it are the best and most important parts of Christianity. So my bumper sticker is a reminder, like someone is saying it to me. “Rachel, it’s not all about you”. That’s all I need to help ground me in my faith.

anyone out there have a bumper sticker they'd like to share? hope you are all having a lovely week. frannie, the wedding invites are AMAZING i can't wait for the wedding!

love and hugs to my favorite people

r