ok

feeling better today. i got about 11 hours of sleep last night which helped. today there was a commitment ceremony for 4 gay and lesbian couples that was kicking off the glbt pride week at penn state. we heard there would be protesters and a group called silent witness organized some people to go and stand and be a positive presence. the protesters were hanging somewhere else having a "family values rally" and we were lining a street wearing safety vests and carrying big rainbow colored golf umbrellas. it was fun and it's a lovely spring day here today so it felt great to be outside. and then i went to the mall to try and find something to wear to frannie's wedding, and i found a dress! i had just given up on the dress and decided that i would wear pants and then i found a cute dress and it was even half price. wahoo! so it's a better day.

dad is home and not feeling too bad. a little more tired than normal,but mostly feeling fine. we'll see how he does with the next dose of drugs.

hope you are having a lovely weekend!

oh! and obama is coming to state college tomorrow! i'm going to go hear him speak. i'll try and get close enough or pictures, but i'm not sure if that will work. they're expecting 20,000 people and it's an outside venue. we'll see!

do drugs, i'd rather stick anchovies in my ears!

it's been a long week here in central pennsylvania. dad's enzyme levels have been high and the doctors had been content to just watch them and see what was going on. even though they didn't actually know what was going on. last week they put dad on steriods for the week and then monday morning they decided he needed to go to danville to get a liver biopsy. so monday afternoon he went and checked into the hospital. they told us he would come home tuesday, tuesday they did the biopsy and the results weren't going to come back in time so they said he would come home wednesday, wednesday they decided that he needed to go back on the interferon (i'll explain in a minute) and that they needed to have him under observation so he would come home thursday, today is thursday. mom and dad's friend was almost to the hospital to get him (because they told him he was getting discharged) when the doc's changed their mind and said he had to stay. so he's still there. and one doc says he'll be free to go tomorrow, another says saturday. AWESOME. i am a mess. i hate this so much. it's just like what happened in november. he went for some blood work and didn't come home until 2 months later. after 2 transplants and almost dying a few times. i know that this time is going to be different. but it sucks. and the drugs he's back on are the ones he was on years ago that didn't work and made him sick. their side effects are "flu like symptoms" so he's achy, tired, feverish, nauseated, and overall just has a shitty quality of life. the side effects are only supposed to last a few days after the treatment, but the last time he was taking the drugs weekly. so for half of every week he had the flu. for an entire year. i can't even begin to describe how hard this is. the new liver was supposed to make life better. and now he's just getting well, all healed up and ready to go do stuff, and he's going back on drugs that will give him flu like symptoms for half of his life. and for how long? they didn't do a damn bit of good last time. he was on them for a year, they took him off and 5 years later he has liver cancer and you know the rest of that story. i'm just frustrated and angry and scared and i need a break. i've been saying i need a break almost every week in therapy. and i just haven't gotten one. sigh.

coffee cup...

i found this quote that i had cut out of my coffee cup, not sure when, but i figure it's a good one...

"Growing up, my parents always said, 'you will leave this world the same way you came into it: with nothing.' It made me realize that the only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind us." Tyrone B. Hayes

i like this quote, i have a handful of quotes from starbucks mugs up in my office, so here's the interactive portion of the blog...if you could have a quote on a starbucks mug*, what would it be?

i haven't perfected mine yet, but it would be something like 'just because there's someone out there who has it worse, doesn't mean what you are going through is easy'

you?

*you can go to the starbucks website and suggest quotes for their cups. i know! how cool would that be?!?!

mom and dad's puppy!

here he is...sir edmond hilary. also known as 'eddie'

Hebrews 10:16-25

¹⁶"This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, says the Lord: I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds," ¹⁷he also adds, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more." ¹⁸Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin.

¹⁹Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh), ²¹and since we have a great priest over the house of God, ²²let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. ²³Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. ²⁴And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, ²⁵not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

thoughts on a freezing first day o' spring

Today in State College: "Becoming partly cloudy later with any flurries or snow showers ending by noontime. Windy. Temps nearly steady in the mid to upper 30s. Winds WNW at 25 to 35 mph. Chance of snow 30%. Winds could occasionally gust over 40 mph."

yes yes. happy spring everyone! i hope that your spring commences with sun and warmth and green things sprouting from the ground. not clouds and wind and snow flurries. i was at yoga tuesday night and my teacher said (as it was mid 30's and drizzling out) 'if we didn't all have seasonal affective disorder before this year, we do now!'. to which i said, amen sister. this winter seems to just be dragging on and on and on. I was looking at pictures on my camera from when dad was in the hospital and it snowed when he was there. so in my head we're still in that season. i'm ready for spring, for something new, for an end to this endless winter of life and death. sometimes, on my more depressed days, i feel like i'm living in the counting crows song 'long december', just those two lines 'the smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls.' i don't talk about it here so much anymore, but in therapy i think that 75% of the time i'm talking about my dad. there's just something so hard about getting over someone almost dying. and that's the reality. and prompting yourself to go 'but he didn't die, he's still alive' only gets you so far. i guess that must be the depression part of it all. that maybe if i wasn't depressed, then the prompting would work. i'd be ok, but instead it just pushes me through the fog a little bit and then sighs and i go 'yeah but he could have', and i stop moving. i don't think i ever really understood when depressed people would say they just couldn't get past that muck that they lived in, but now i think i really get it. and it's bugging the shit out of me. so i'm going to jump in to all the old stand by's that don't involve drugs (that's another post for another day). eating better, getting daily exersize, my parents are getting a puppy tomorrow, so going and playing with the puppy as much as i can. most people change their lives during lent, i will change my life just as it is ending. that's all for now. hope you're enjoying spring today!
r

my sister and i went to the movies on friday night and saw the new cartoon version of 'horton hears a who'. i absolutely loved it, but i love pretty much any dr. seuss ever. the voices were spectacular, the story was good, the animation was pretty, all in all it's a great kids movie that adults will still like. and it's dr. seuss, i mean, come on, he's a genius! but this post isn't about seeing the movie, but about something i read on slate dot com this morning. apparently at the premiere of horton, a bunch of anti abortion activists stood outside and were chanting horton's tag line "a person's a person, no matter how small." and i think if you want to take the tag line and use it at your anti abortion protest somewhere else, fine (although dr. seuss's widow does not approve). but why go to a g rated movie premiere to stand outside and chant? it's not like the movie's about abortion or anything. what the hell were they protesting? people are annoying.
anyway. my weekend was jam packed with stuff and i'm exhausted. kentucky made the dance, 11 seed and they have a tough first game, but i'll keep my fingers crossed. dad's side of the family came to visit so we relived a ton of the hospital/surgery stuff that i'm really done talking about/reliving. so that was stressful. my pastor has already done my seminary recommendation and put it in the mail! wahoo! i just need to do my taxes and send in my financial aid stuff.

ok. back to work! happy st. patricks day everyone!
love you all
r

March Madness

march madness is upon us! it's the best time of year, when you can turn on a tv at any time of the day and find at least one college basketball game on. the sad part is when your stupid team loses in the first round of the big ten tournament. by 1 point. to a team they were supposed to beat. ugh. then there's the poor fans of florida, who lost in the sec tournament to alabama. i mean come on, you won the freaking national championship last year and this year you lose to alabama? and i think it was by like 11 points. uk plays georgia tonight. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

in other news, my dad's brother and his family and his sister and her family are all coming up to visit this weekend. we're not quite sure what to do with them,but they'll be here!!

becky and i are going to go see 'horton hears a who' tonight :O)

i'm nervous as hell about my richmond app, but there's nothing i can do about it, so i need to just let it go.

kerrie and i are planning our fun trip to chicago for frannie's wedding!! wahoooooooo!!!

um. that's all!

hope you all have a fantastic weekend!
r

application fun!

i'm sending off my richmond app this afternoon. after i put it all in the envelope and say a little prayer it will be out of my hands. i'm putting one of my essays on the blog. i know it's not spectacular, but it's something :O) i'll post a real post either tonight or tomorrow. i'm soooo happy to have this all done! wahooooooo

When you ask someone to talk about a book that has had a profound impact on their faith for a seminary essay, the first answer is, I think, rather obvious. The Bible has been translated into hundreds of languages; it is available in bookstores, grocery stores, Wal-Marts and even in American hotel room nightstands. It is probably the most widely available book in the world. It is also the foundation of my faith, the book that I was read to as a child and have learned to study as an adult. It would be easy, I think, to talk about the bible, but today, for this essay I’m going to cast my net a little wider. I was an English minor at college and have always had a great interest in reading, from my first color picture adorned bible, to non fiction exposé’s, to fictional masterpieces, to incredibly meaningful children's literature. I'm sure I could come up with an influential book for every category, but I'm going to focus on the most recent, most influential book that I have read; Marcus Borg's Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time. This book has had such a great influence on me because it has allowed me to think of Jesus in a new light. My first memories of Jesus were the stories and pictures we saw in Sunday school; a blonde haired, blue eyed Jesus that taught us how to love and serve each other. I held on that picture until high school, using Jesus as a marker of how to treat others, a reminder of how service should be a part of my life. In high school, and probably even before, there was the WWJD fad. Everyone was wearing those letters on their t-shirts and backpacks and wristbands. The letters were a status symbol, not a moral compass. I think this fad really turned me off to finding out more about Jesus, in a way up I was always a little scared of loving Jesus too much. I was conscious of having that self- righteous attitude that came with the t-shirt. In the past year I’ve discovered Borg’s Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time, and while I know that it’s not a definitive version of Jesus, it has awakened a desire inside me to learn more about who Jesus really was and the life that he lived beyond the stories in the bible. Before the book I would have described myself as someone who was more in touch with God, the idea of God, as overwhelming as it may seem, was something I was more comfortable talking about than Jesus. The book has helped reaffirm how important it is to not just live my life as Jesus taught, but to be able to talk about that life and to talk about Jesus. Through discussions about Borg’s work I have been able to engage in lively discussions with the college aged fellowship group I help lead, we have all talked about Jesus as a revolutionary, our version of Jesus from childhood, Jesus and his wisdom. This book has introduced me to Jesus in a way that I had not met him before, and it has also allowed me to introduce Jesus to others in a new way.

busy weekend!!

i spent the past few days down visiting union theological seminary and presbyterian school of christian education (PSCE) in richmond, va. the seminary merged with the PSCE and so they're one institution now. the weekend was great, the school is very interesting, gorgeous library, huge rare book collection, neat dorms that are half the cost of the apartments, nice people, cute southern accents. we had a bus tour of richmond an it's such a cool little city (or it seemed to be) it reminded me a lot of charleston, but smaller. and the james river is right on the south side of the city and has all kinds of water activities and walking paths. there is an edgar allen poe museum, art museum, tons of history museum type places. they have a bunch of art galleries that have started doing 'first fridays'. i think they did this in chucktown too, where all the galleries are open and you gallery hop (and i think drink wine!) they have a monastery that has converted into a kind of spiritual retreat space. just lots of cool cool stuff. and lots of financial aid options, which is superb. so i'm going to try and send my application in monday or tuesday and then i'll be crossing my fingers. i really really loved richmond, and i met some amazing professors so i'm going to try and go there i think. at least it will be my great attempt. i'm certain now that i need to visit places, so if i don't get in to richmond then i think it will mean another year at home, but if it means i can check out other places and maybe even take a class at psu then i think it will be ok. i'm still going to figure out a time to visit the lancaster seminary,but monetarily i think richmond is the best option.

oh their website is: http://www.union-psce.edu/
if you want to check it out.

oh and in other totally non related to any of this news, mom and dad are probably going to get a golden doodle puppy! i'm excited!!

busy busy bee

hey, sorry for leaving on such a depressing note and then not posting all weekend. thinkgs are going ok. they're going to scale back dad's anti rejection meds as much as possible and then at some point in the future (not sure when in the future) he'll go back on hep c drugs. the tests have shown no new cancer growth, so that is the best thing. 3 liver transplants in one year would really just be too much. sigh. i need to come to terms with the fact that he's always going to have health stuff. and it's just going to be part of our lives for a while. doesn't make it any easier though.

ok. anyway. i'm going to richmond this weekend, driving down thursday and then back to SC on sunday. i'm super excited to see the school, not as excited to drive down 95, but it will be fine. i am hoping to take my application with me and turn it in when i get there. i really hope i like it! i might blog tomorrow from work, not sure. i'm taking my laptop to richmond, so if we have wifi i'll blog from there. i hope you're all having a great week! happy march everyone!
r