sorry i haven't posted in a few days, it's been a touch stressful/busy this past week. so i'll catch you up and then bitch about something that's bugging me. you're all so lucky ;O)
* it was really good that e,j and i went to the funeral. the family really appreciated us coming down and my aunt was just floored that we came. i also found out that my dad's siblings are planning to come to state college when he gets home from the hospital (!!!!) aunt leanna gave us a ton of university of kentucky stuff to bring home. including an 8 foot tall inflatable kentucky wildcat that we can proudly display on our front porch for all of pine grove mills to see. mom was THRILLED. dad was pretty upset all weekend, i think the combination of uncle d dying of cancer related stuff and dad not being well enough to travel and getting bumped to number 2 (see below) had him all kinds of emotionally screwed up. i mean, i'm sure all of us at one point or another thought about dad's cancer and death together during the weekend. even though he should be fine after the transplant.
* dad is currently number 2 on the liver transplant list! this is exciting, scary and confusing. it's not something that can really be scheduled or even like a heads up given, so that's been kinda tough for me. apparently the guy that's currently at #1 has been there for about a month. the doc's think sometime in the next month he'll get his liver and then expect to do dad's by the end of the year. which means that there is a chance i'll be out of town when it happens, but i just have to take that chance i guess. i'm going down to lancaster in october to check out a seminary, and heading to richmond, va in november. i'll have to plan about atlanta and chicago some more.
this whole thing is really stressing me out. i just feel so out of control about everything. sigh. lisa said that the whole thing is a little like giving birth. you can prepare and prepare, but you don't know for sure when it's going to happen. so mom and i were joking about packing our 'labor bags' so that we'll be ready when it actually does happen and we can just grab our bags and head out. i was reading a blog that i really do like and there was a post that i found just ridiculous for many reasons(i'll rant about that another day), so i was reading the 92 comments that people had posted and one of them talked about all the mixed emotions that you have as a caregiver. and he said he had read books and stuff. so i was like, oh yeah, there could be books i could read to help me with my freaking out! my fantastic coworker is also subtly(and not so subtly) encouraging me to go to a therapist, but i'm not quite there yet. i got phone numbers yesterday. maybe next week i can call. all i know is that i can't live like i am right now for another 4 months. i mean, 4 months doesn't seem like a long time, but i can't fathom being sane in 4 months if i don't get some sort of help soon. and that's probably one of the hardest things i've had to admit ever.
ok. this was going to be shorter...i even removed the 'and a rant' part of the title. oh well. i'm off to a retreat all weekend. so shitty cell service till sunday around 1. i'll be checking my messages--from the parking lot at the pool house--so leave one if you want and i'll be back on the computer on sunday. to think less than 10 years ago i didn't have a cellphone and i could have cared less if i checked my email. oy.
ok...happy notre dame beatdown weekend!
LETS GO PSU!
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I didn't know you were going to a retreat for the weekend. I hope that it relieves some of the stress. I'm also glad you are considering going to a therapist. I just love them! Seriously though, there is something very unique in being able to tell someone anything, when it's rare you are able to do that with friends or family. You'll go when you are ready. I'll try to not pressure you about it.
In my MSW program, I took an illness and clinical social work class. We talked about the endlessness of waiting (such as for a transplant) as being one of the most stressful things for people. If they don't have a date to plan on, it makes things so much worse. There is no end to look forward to. So I can understand how this would be such a stressful time.
Wow, that was a lot of commenting!
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