sigh

I work with trauma victims every day. It is my job to sit in a room with them and their stories. Either as a voice on the other end of the telephone, or as the face of the helping organization they walked into. Most people, if not all people, never expect to be talking to me. I don’t take it personally when I hear ‘I never thought I’d be here’ or ‘I don’t want to be doing this’, I like to say that no one really wants my business card. These are the recent victims, they’re still in shock at what they’re being forced to do. You can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t control what your abusive partner is going to do, but there are ways to limit their access to you, and I do feel blessed to be part of that process. It’s also insanely hard on those of us who are first or second or third responders. When you’re in such close proximity to that much violence for a long period of time, hell, even a short period of time, it’s hard to not feel the effects of vicarious trauma.

“As the client releases some of their pain, we take it in. By the end of the day, we’ve collected bits and pieces of accounts of trauma. We may have pictures in our mind or intense feelings running through our body. We’ve become a witness to rape, child abuse, domestic violence and death… In simple terms, this vicarious trauma as experienced by professionals and volunteers in the helping field.” Terri Spahn Nelson

At the end of the day it gets to you. I started going to therapy in September because I couldn’t deal with dad and his illness, around the same time I started having trouble sleeping, more anxiety, waking up feeling panic, those sorts of things. About a month ago I took a quiz and one of the sections dealt with vicarious trauma, if you scored a 17 they suggested you talk with a mental health professional. I scored 30. I look back at the 3 years I’ve been here and I think about different times when I’ve had trouble dealing with things, the fact that I’ve gained a lot of weight, the fact that I haven’t gone a week without crying over something stupid in God knows how long. And I look at the fact that our office does NOTHING to help us cope with this trauma. You’re just supposed to be ok. You’re supposed to use “Self-Care”. If this is my first job counseling trauma survivors, how the fuck do I know how to care for myself in that situation. Fuck, we don’t even take a lunch break away from our desk most days. So 40 hours a week, for 8 hours straight each day I’m listening to someone’s trauma, or waiting for someone to tell me their trauma, or entering data about their trauma. And I’m not even required to take a 30 minute break. I don’t want it to see like I don’t like my job, or my employer or clients, because I do. I’m just frustrated about the toll it’s taken on me and the lack of concern by said employer. I’m also at the point of deciding if I want or need to go on either anti depression meds or anti anxiety meds to help me have normal sleep and be able to get through life ok until I peace out in the fall. That’s another post for another day, but just to give some context to the pissed off-ness. Ok. I’m done now. Back to work. Love you all.r

on poverty, welfare and judgement

two main things have inspired this post, one was a training on poverty i attended last week, and the other is a conversation that happened last night with the college kids. we'll go in order. the training last week was on 'generational poverty' it was a training based on the work of dr. ruby payne
she says there are two kinds of poverty, generational and situational. in generational poverty you have at least 2 generations of living in poverty, and in situational poverty your socio-economic status is tied to an event- disabling injury, job loss, divorce, you get the picture. the training was interesting, but really tough to stomach. the woman basically says there is an us and a them, and here are the things that they have problems with. there were a lot of valid points, but a lot of stereotypes and bullshit at the same time. i was uncomfortable with the fact that it was a whole room (minus 2) of white, middle class (at least) people and the whole us vs. them mentality, thrown in to the fact that the one trainer was using examples of when she had helped out doing disaster relief for hurricaine katrina (what race where those evacuees again?) really had me feeling like it was borderline racist. so a woman asked the following question, which feeds right into the conversation from last night. she says 'i see people who i know have assistance (welfare) and they go to the store on friday night and buy a 6 pack of beer. why should they get to do that if they're on welfare?' now, jump ahead to last night. one of the people in our group had been listening to a radio show and long story short, he said (the guy in our group, not the radio guy) that anyone on welfare was just lazy. he went on to tell a story about how he was at sheetz ( 7-11, wawa type of place, has normal gas station stuff plus made to order food) and saw some guy get like $50 worth of stuff, sandwhiches, chips, candy, soda and then pay for it using his access (welfare) card. and this person was livid. why can you spend your welfare money on food like that he says. now, i didn't say too much, i finally burst out with a 'what gives you the right to judge that person' but didn't talk too much because the amount of anger he had for 'those people' was too much for me to want to engage in. oh the other topic that pissed me off, well they're poor so they should be greatfull for anything.
so here is my rant about all of this. what gives you the right to judge anyone. maybe that 6 pack was going to be used as a bartering tool to get someone to fix that guys car, maybe it was so he could have a drink with his friends after a long week of work, either way, it's his choice. and maybe that other guy was buying dinner out for his family. maybe the only way they could afford to have premade food was to get it from a place that takes their access card. and maybe the only place that takes it is sheetz. is there some rule that if you're poor you have to a- eat healthy food and b- only cook at home? we had food stamps when we were in new hampshire (amerisalary was $150 a week and we had to pay for food and rent) and i tell you what, there were times when i bought totally healthy food on my food stamps, and some times when i just needed to have some chips and french onion dip. should i have had to use my own money to buy that? what rights do people think you should have to give up when you're poor? the right to choose your own food, the right to decline a hand out, the right to demand that if someone is helping you by doing work in your house they do it right. are those things so absurd? if we deny people these rights we make them less human, and that would be the saddest thing of all. i think what frustrated me the most was that the conversation with the college kids is a christian fellowship group. these are people who give up their time to help those in need, but apparently feel totally comfortable judging them. it's christians like that who give us a bad name.

the stone

i heart dmb. sigh.

Ive this creeping, suspicion that things here are not as they seem.
Reassure me, oh why do I feel as if I'm in too deep.
Now Ive been praying, for some way to show them I'm not what they see.
Yes I have done wrong, but what I did I thought needed be done, I swear.

Oh, unholy day, if I leave now I might get away.
Oh but this weighs on me, as heavy as stone and as blue as I go.

I was just wondering if you'd come along.
Hold up my head when my head wont hold on.
Ill do the same if the sames what you want,
If not Ill go, I will go a long...

..long way, ah, from that fools mistake.
And now forever pay, no run, I will run and Ill be ok.

I was just wondering if you'd come along.
Hold up my head when my head wont hold on.
Ill do the same if the sames what you want,
But if not Ill go, I will go a long...

...long way, to bury the past for I don't want to pay.
Oh how I wish, this, to turn back the clock and do over again.

Now I'm just wondering if you'd come a-long.
Hold up my head when my head wont hold on.
Ill do the same if the sames what you want,
But if not Ill go, Ill go alone.

I need so, to stay in your arms, see you smile, hold you close.
And now it weighs on me, as heavy as stone and of bone chilling cold.

I was just wondering if you'd come a--long.
Tell me you will.

what makes it so 'ultimate'?

so. i've long wondered, these past 5ish years since i found out about its existence, what was so fantastic about ultimate frisbee. i have many friends who seriously LOVE ULTIMATE and i just don't get it. wikipedia has a huge entry on it, you can learn the rules and the history there, and i think it kind of hints to the ginormous following that ultimate has. but i have resisted the trend. my high school kids play ultimate all the time, and i remember having friends in college who played, and of course there were people in americoprs who played (right?) but i may have to start playing when i go to seminary. or probably before i go so that i can have some stamina built up. see there's a quad on the campus and every day there's either a soccer game or an ultimate game. and then in the spring they have an ultimiate competiton, with seminaries from different states (GA, PA, NJ, VA) all coming together to play. pretty insane. i bring all this up because today i got a letter from the president of my seminary welcoming me to the school and i got a frisbee in the mail with the competition logo on it. fun fun fun.
oh and on saturday i got my official admission letter AND my scholarship letter. 100% tuition!!! so i just need to get $$ to pay for room, board, books and health insurance :O)

They like me, they REALLY like me!!!

i got in to seminary!!! i know most of you who read the blog also already got an email from me, but i just needed to be excited on the blog too :O)

i am planning to enter this fall into a 4 year program where i'll end up with two masters degrees, one in divinity and one in christian ed. WAHOOOOOOOO

www.union-psce.edu

that's where i'll be!
happy wednesday everyone!
love love love love
r

overwhelmed

feeling a bit overwhelmed by the ugly part of humanity today. already. it's only 9:37. sigh. let the black eyed peas take it away..

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'

Where is the love (Love)

i love dar williams

i love her for her music (and you should too!) but that's not what this post is about. i love her most recently for a quote of hers i found when i was playing around on one of her fansites

"Peacekeeping is not only a central characteristic of the gospel. Peacemaking is the greatest need of the world today. We are the daughters and sons of God, and that means we are called to be peacemakers, whether we like it or not. It's a responsibility of all of us to pursue peace for its own sake, for the sake of the future for our children." dar williams

you may notice that dar says we are 'called' to be peacemakers. i think that many people feel that you have just one call.and many people, who aren't of the religious persuasion may not even be familiar with the language of call. even in religious circles, such as the one i hang in, the idea of call is something that, i think, is feared a little bit. like if god is calling you to do something or be something, you really don't want to do it. this isn't always the case, and i think that we are called to do many things in your life. literally the day after i discovered a super fantastic seminary (eden, in st louis) we found out dad had cancer. and about 3 weeks later i was at a gathering with the other youth leaders i work with and i was telling them how i felt pulled between leaving for seminary and staying in state college to hang with the family and help them out. and one of the other leaders just kept saying to me 'yes. but what is god calling you to do'. and i don't think i really realized until much later (when a friend pointed it out to me) that my calling in life has many facets. yes i am called into the ordained ministry so i'm (hopefully) going to seminary, but another part of my call is to my family and being a part of their caregiving network. i'm called to fighting injustice and that is something that will continue through my life, as a believer in jesus christ i'm called to serve and love those around me. and, i agree with dar, i am called to be a peacemaker. i enjoy the challenge of fufilling the call and greatly look forward to finding the way in which i will do that.

i just really really REALLY love this quote. it gets me all jazzed and makes me eager to move on to seminary. the school i want to go to has all my stuff and i'll be hearing soon i they'll take me or not. i didn't sleep well last night, the construction site across the way had trucks moving around until midnight or so and then i woke up a few times throughout the night. i'm journaling my sleep this week to talk about it at therapy next week. fun fun fun. i'd kill for a whole week of normal sleeping. it hasn't happened since i got sick a few months ago. sigh.
night kids. love and hugs.r

burnout

i have about 10 different things jumping around in my head that i want to blog about. great quotes, silly things, things that annoy me, why i get road rage, that sort of intellectually stimulating sort of thing. but today i need to blog about work. i work at a sexual assault and domestic violence center. i talk to people every day who are suffering, in trauma situations, who have had their lives irreversibly changed by someone. for most of them by someone that they knew and trusted. it's hard to wrap your head around this quantity of human pain happening in the county in which you live. there are people i talk to that i will never meet but probably pass on the way to work. just over a year ago, on easter sunday, april 8, 2007, we had a domestic violence fatality in centre county. the victim met her ex at a gas station to "pick up her sick kid". at least that's what he told her. he had the victim come to his car to get their daughter, who was actually home with the perpetrator's family, and he shot the victim and then himself. this victim had been doing everything right. she had a protection order, she had custody of their child, she only spoke with him about the child, she was meeting him in a public place to transfer their child. she even had her mother with her. and none of it mattered. the victim walked over to physically pick up her daughter, and she was shot. cases like this are hard. i can honestly say that the day this happened, and the week afterward, are the only time i've considered walking away from my job. i've told my boss that if one of my clients is killed, i won't be able to work here anymore. i think i would second guess everything i ever told them. a coworker who also frequently deals with high risk clients says that when people walk away she always thinks 'if she gets killed will i be sure i've told her everything i can'. this is my reality. life and death of familiar strangers. clients i get to know over time, clients i've never met but know their voice and their life story. this job comes with a lot of stress. a lot of exhaustion. and a lot of burnout, compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma. i've been in this field for about 3 years, and if i leave in the fall i will be ready for a break. i've been told more than once, 'i have to go. he's coming and if he sees me on the phone he'll kill me' and you can hear in their voice that they believe this to be true.
i don't want to paint a bleak picture. there is always some good. for every client at her wits end there is a client who is making great strides to have a safe, healthy, independent life. because of the murder last year our county is creating a custody exchange center. where parents can exchange their children and not have to see each other, and where supervised visitation can happen in a safe and controlled environment. i hope that jodi knows this. i hope she knows that she didn't die in vain, that her life and death will help hundreds of women to hopefully avoid the fate she was met with on that april afternoon one year and 3 days ago.

bumper sticker!

hey there friends! how are you? how's life? things here are ok. i spent monday at the hospital with my dad, going to various appointments and meeting with different doctors. it was good to be able to hear them talk and say that dad was heading in the right direction. they also switched to a different brand/type of interferon and they think it will be less irritating to his system and work better. so yay. but it was exhausting to do that all day. it is also spring in state college, and i am reminded that ever since i moved home, i'm allergic to this damn town. i feel like crap and there's just not a whole lot that can be done. oh well. at least it's not snowing out.

my yoga teacher emailed me and asked if i could write a little blurb for her new brochure. and also said that i look like i'm having fun and able to adjust poses and flows if i need to and still getting it. that made me feel like i'm not a yoga failure :O)

um, oh for the high school and then college kids i'm asking them to write their own faith related bumper sticker.

My bumper sticker would say

“It’s not all about you”

For me so much of being a Christian is the chance to serve other people. Whether it’s volunteer work out of town, or the USA, or helping out teaching Sunday school or babysitting at church. The service we are called to do and the community in which we are blessed to do it are the best and most important parts of Christianity. So my bumper sticker is a reminder, like someone is saying it to me. “Rachel, it’s not all about you”. That’s all I need to help ground me in my faith.

anyone out there have a bumper sticker they'd like to share? hope you are all having a lovely week. frannie, the wedding invites are AMAZING i can't wait for the wedding!

love and hugs to my favorite people

r

link fun

i'm getting a cold and feeling quite terrible today, so you're getting links to read :O) i'll have a real blog post probably tomorrow. i have the day off so i can blog from home. happy reading:

apparently psu is offering a class on joe paterno and his dealings with the media. ha! so dj gallo over at espn. com has written up a faux quiz that one would take in the class. it's hilarious

two work issue related links, one is the terribly awful and sad case of a woman and her children in maryland. the woman was trying to get her husband's visitation with the kids taken away because he has issues and is crazy mentally abusive and scary, the judge refuses to do so and refuses to grant a protection order. dad kills all three kids. the story is awful, but hopefully will help fix the system. do yourself a favor and don't read the comments. trust me.

the second is a super freaking awesome story about wisconson. they just signed a law that would let women who are victims of domestic abuse get out of their leases with their abusive partners. this might not sound like a big deal, but it's huge. we've not ever had luck in advocating to get someone's name off a lease. landlords don't have to let victims out of the lease, so they don't. but that's no longer the case in cheese country, yay wisconson!

oh and in case you're not sure if it's april fools day or not, go to www.isitaprilfools.com for some reason this site cracks me up. i think just the fact that someone pays to have that web address, and it only changes once a year. people are funny.

ok, that's all the link love for this springy april morning. happy thursday everyone! love and hugs from your congested blogger.