thoughts on a freezing first day o' spring

Today in State College: "Becoming partly cloudy later with any flurries or snow showers ending by noontime. Windy. Temps nearly steady in the mid to upper 30s. Winds WNW at 25 to 35 mph. Chance of snow 30%. Winds could occasionally gust over 40 mph."

yes yes. happy spring everyone! i hope that your spring commences with sun and warmth and green things sprouting from the ground. not clouds and wind and snow flurries. i was at yoga tuesday night and my teacher said (as it was mid 30's and drizzling out) 'if we didn't all have seasonal affective disorder before this year, we do now!'. to which i said, amen sister. this winter seems to just be dragging on and on and on. I was looking at pictures on my camera from when dad was in the hospital and it snowed when he was there. so in my head we're still in that season. i'm ready for spring, for something new, for an end to this endless winter of life and death. sometimes, on my more depressed days, i feel like i'm living in the counting crows song 'long december', just those two lines 'the smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls.' i don't talk about it here so much anymore, but in therapy i think that 75% of the time i'm talking about my dad. there's just something so hard about getting over someone almost dying. and that's the reality. and prompting yourself to go 'but he didn't die, he's still alive' only gets you so far. i guess that must be the depression part of it all. that maybe if i wasn't depressed, then the prompting would work. i'd be ok, but instead it just pushes me through the fog a little bit and then sighs and i go 'yeah but he could have', and i stop moving. i don't think i ever really understood when depressed people would say they just couldn't get past that muck that they lived in, but now i think i really get it. and it's bugging the shit out of me. so i'm going to jump in to all the old stand by's that don't involve drugs (that's another post for another day). eating better, getting daily exersize, my parents are getting a puppy tomorrow, so going and playing with the puppy as much as i can. most people change their lives during lent, i will change my life just as it is ending. that's all for now. hope you're enjoying spring today!
r