burnout

i have about 10 different things jumping around in my head that i want to blog about. great quotes, silly things, things that annoy me, why i get road rage, that sort of intellectually stimulating sort of thing. but today i need to blog about work. i work at a sexual assault and domestic violence center. i talk to people every day who are suffering, in trauma situations, who have had their lives irreversibly changed by someone. for most of them by someone that they knew and trusted. it's hard to wrap your head around this quantity of human pain happening in the county in which you live. there are people i talk to that i will never meet but probably pass on the way to work. just over a year ago, on easter sunday, april 8, 2007, we had a domestic violence fatality in centre county. the victim met her ex at a gas station to "pick up her sick kid". at least that's what he told her. he had the victim come to his car to get their daughter, who was actually home with the perpetrator's family, and he shot the victim and then himself. this victim had been doing everything right. she had a protection order, she had custody of their child, she only spoke with him about the child, she was meeting him in a public place to transfer their child. she even had her mother with her. and none of it mattered. the victim walked over to physically pick up her daughter, and she was shot. cases like this are hard. i can honestly say that the day this happened, and the week afterward, are the only time i've considered walking away from my job. i've told my boss that if one of my clients is killed, i won't be able to work here anymore. i think i would second guess everything i ever told them. a coworker who also frequently deals with high risk clients says that when people walk away she always thinks 'if she gets killed will i be sure i've told her everything i can'. this is my reality. life and death of familiar strangers. clients i get to know over time, clients i've never met but know their voice and their life story. this job comes with a lot of stress. a lot of exhaustion. and a lot of burnout, compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma. i've been in this field for about 3 years, and if i leave in the fall i will be ready for a break. i've been told more than once, 'i have to go. he's coming and if he sees me on the phone he'll kill me' and you can hear in their voice that they believe this to be true.
i don't want to paint a bleak picture. there is always some good. for every client at her wits end there is a client who is making great strides to have a safe, healthy, independent life. because of the murder last year our county is creating a custody exchange center. where parents can exchange their children and not have to see each other, and where supervised visitation can happen in a safe and controlled environment. i hope that jodi knows this. i hope she knows that she didn't die in vain, that her life and death will help hundreds of women to hopefully avoid the fate she was met with on that april afternoon one year and 3 days ago.