super super long post

I have been a part of our church since my family moved to state college when I was about 4. I have attended services, ushered, taught, sang, had my cell phone go off, been supported, supported others, learned and grew. I have also been challenged in my faith in ways I never thought I should have to be. When I was in high school I was part of FISH, it was the most amazing, supportive, open place to be; a place where you could be in the process of figuring out who you were and that was perfectly fine. I'm speaking today out of the firm belief that it's still the same sort of accepting, inclusive environment.

So, you're all thinking, this is the sex retreat, she must have something else to say? I'll get there. Give me time.

I have worn many labels in my life, daughter, sister, friend, student, employee, cousin, granddaughter, counselor, teacher, and the three that apply today, straight, lesbian, and bisexual. I want to make a disclaimer here and say that I abhor labels. When you label someone other than what you label yourself you make a clear definition between yourself and the other person, usually this also includes a value judgment. I am x and you are y, and since x is better than y, I am better than you. I really try to not label anyone, and I try to keep from labeling myself. Just something I believe helps us all identify with each other as humans, as SARK says, "we are all in the soup together."

So let me go back to the first of three sex-retreat related labels. Straight or heterosexual, I prefer straight. In our society we have something called heterosexual privilege. This means that the default sexual orientation is heterosexual. If you don't correct someone, they will always assume you are straight. And in most cases they will be right. I identified as straight as a default orientation until my junior-ish year of high school. I think I was always questioning, but never really made any grand proclamations or anything. I started dating a woman the summer before my senior year of high school I think.

At this point I want to make a few things clear, first, FISH was always somewhere I felt comfortable, there was some pretty awful stuff being said in the community when I was in high school. The school district was proposing putting the words 'sexual orientation' into the non discrimination policy. There were several members of the community who didn't agree with that. They felt that their civil rights were being infringed upon. There were, if I remember correctly even some local clergy who spoke out against the inclusion. I still have a letter to the editor that someone wrote calling all "homosexuals..vile and disgusting people." I remember this letter well because I read it in large group circle, I was so distraught that someone could not know me and have such hatred. When you hear this sort of thing over and over, and you do in our society, you internalize a lot of it. You think you are vile, disgusting, worthless, and, my personal favorite 'against God's plan.'

When I was in college I proudly self identified as a lesbian. I had a few long term relationships and found a home in the gay community at Shippensburg. I attended a gay pride parade in Washington, DC. There I actually saw signs that said things like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" and "God hates Fags." I had seen these signs on tv, Matthew Sheppard was killed when I was in high school, and I remember the night they had a vigil at Penn State, I didn't go because I was afraid that just going would let people know I wasn't straight, but I felt so deeply touched by his story that I sat in my room and lit a candle and cried for him and his family. So here I was, 19 years old at a gay pride parade in DC, looking at all those signs and knowing they couldn't be true. I had grown up in a church that told me I was loved. From before I was born I was loved. I grew up thinking, believing, knowing, that God made me exactly as I am, and that he loves me. So you see, I knew the signs couldn't be true. The God that I believe in is a loving, merciful, beautiful God.

No matter how involved I was, I always knew that I didn't quite fit in the gay community, just like I had known that I didn't quite fit in the straight community. Bisexuals are kind of the black sheep of either community. They are stereotyped and not fully accepted into either place. Some people say if you are bisexual you just can't make up your mind, or you want to have your cake and eat it too, or you're extremely promiscuous. There was just a new study released that found that bisexuality wasn't just "a phase." That it was an actual orientation. I do believe there is a continuum. That heterosexuality is on one end and homosexuality is on there other. I believe that we all fall somewhere on that continuum. This is part of why I'm so resistant to labels. I do believe I'll end up married to a man and have kids, but I'm not willing to lie to myself or anyone else and say that I'm completely straight. I have been attracted to women; I may continue to be attracted to women. I don't see a problem with it. I find that I fall in love with the person, not the gender.

Joel asked me to talk about my sexuality and my faith and how I reconciled the two. When I looked up reconciled in the dictionary the first definition was To reestablish a close relationship between. The only part of my faith that I had a problem with was the big huge Presbyterian church. They believe things that I don’t agree with. It’s something I’ve struggled with, but that I have decided isn’t enough to push me from our denomination to another. So in a way I have to work all the time to reconcile that. To decide that it’s worth it to stay in a denomination that potentially, won’t always support me. As far as reconciling my faith and my sexuality on a personal level, I don't think it's hard. I believe I am living my life just as God intended me to be living it, and therefore I don't find much to reconcile between the two. I know that there are some of you listening who disagree with me, all I ask is that you give me the respect that you would give anyone you agree with.

I don’t frequently talk about my sexuality, I honestly just don’t feel like it’s really any of your business and I think it puts up a barrier between people. I want to be clear and say I don’t think it should put a barrier up, but because of our society’s prejudices and stereotypes I think that it does. It goes along with that whole labeling thing that I’m not a fan of. I want to thank you all for listening to me and hopefully for really hearing what I had to say.